"Excuse me if I get a little Giddy or maybe even strange"---- It's Father's Day

"Tomorrow is Father’s Day! I am so very happy because this Father’s Day is so much different than any I’ve experienced in the past for this in fact is my first Father’s Day as a real life dad. Yes, as a Pastor, I’ve always received messages, cards, and even gifts on Father’s Day simply because of the calling over my life, but this one is totally different since we are actual parents…Look where God has brought us from. So if I’m a little giddy, can’t stop smiling, or overwhelmingly emotional tomorrow, please let me have that time, because guess what…..my baby’s having a baby, and I’m a daddy!!!! ‪#‎BraylensDaddy‬"--- Facebook Status of Jarrett Washington

I read his status on last evening and my heart melted.  I recall Father's Day 2012 as if it were yesterday. My father was delivering the Father's Day message at the first church we were assigned to. As my husband got up to introduce him, he thanked my father for being an amazing father in love and a few other sentimental words. He then said words that I've never forgotten. He said, "I'm wishing the Ole Man and all the other father's an amazing Father's Day. I may not be one this Father's Day but next Father's Day I will be a father!"  That was four years ago. During our fertility journey my husband never gave up on remembering God's promise to him. 

For years I've seen him wear homemade Dr. Suess hats reading to kindergarten students, cheering at football games, helping with essays, teaching boys how to tie a tie and even allowing our godson to have our home as a haven with no rules... sliding down banisters and even saying yes to him when his parents said no. Last summer I witnessed him cry at the airport when he saw one of the youth from our church off to California not knowing when she would return. I've witnessed him stand with a little boy at Easter who forgot part of his speech to give him support. I've seen him hold my hands and felt him dry my tears as we waited for God to expand our family and I saw how he fell apart on April 17 and again on September 25 when we received the news that our fertility treatments didn't work. That was then..... This is now. If you TRULY knew our story you would understand our celebration and praise. 

A few weeks ago at one of our baby showers everyone witnessed the joy that he felt of being a dad when he promised to only open one of the many gifts we received because there was an abundance of gifts and blessings. Instead of opening one gift......let's just say my husband enjoyed himself and rightfully so. He opened every gift that was presented. 

I have a few tricks up my sleeves today as I celebrate my husband on his first of many Father's Day. As I turn 36 weeks today, time is winding down and he will have lots of work to put in.... lol! I'm so grateful that God has blessed my husband and I to truly celebrate our own Father's Day. He deserves it! He was faithful over the few things and God is blessing him with his own. This was no easy journey and the road was far from smooth and easy but look how God has moved. My husband is going to be a daddy............ He is a daddy. He's our furbaby Jaxson's human daddy and Braylen's daddy. If you see my husband is giddy today, please praise and celebrate with him!

Happy Father's Day Jarrett Britton Washington!

Scripture: Psalm 127: 3-5 "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court"

For Your Glory

The suffering of this present time isn't worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us. 
Romans 8:18


Singer/Songwriter, Christal Brown Heyward wrote a song years ago entitled, "For Your Glory." Almost 5 years ago on 11/11/11 at her Tonight We Worship album release, I was able to hear her sing live, "For Your Glory."  I didn't realize how the song would minister to me and so many others back then as it does even more today.  The lyrics simply states:

"I've been through so much, but Lord it was for your glory. I've taken so much, but Lord, it was for your glory. In spite of all I'm Going through, and in spite of what the devil tried to do. Lord it's for your glory! It was for your Glory!! Everything I've gone through it was for the Lord's Glory!"

With every text message, Facebook Message, phone call, or email received about our journey of faith to fertility, I understand better now that it was all for God's glory. The tears we cried were for His glory. The failed fertility treatments were about us understanding how we can minister to and help those who are on their journey to fertility because we too have been on the road they are on. Though many people have surmised that we were blessed when we simply decided to wait on God and stop all fertility treatments, I tend to believe that it was because He was building our testimony that took 3 years to truly unfold. Many have also said "what the devil meant for evil God turned it around." I personally believe that it had nothing to do with the devil because God, all by his magnificent self, qualified us to be His mouthpiece to encourage others. It was all for His glory.

I'm honored each day that I have the strength and ability to share our testimony with others. I'm more honored that He used me as His vessel to spread the word of  our difficulty expanding our family. The irony of this all is I didn't always feel this way. In fact, I remember when I was going through the journey, all I wanted was an immediate result and my prayers answered by God. I could care less about being someone's witness through their difficulty. How can I effectively witness to anyone when in fact my close family and friends had no real idea of what we were really going through?  How could God use me when I've cried more than I smiled?  When I am told things like, "I'm so glad you are telling your story because I never would've had enough courage to do so" or "You are truly brave for for being so transparent" I beam with pride because again......... God chose me knowing I would not only tell our testimony but proclaim He was the one that gets the glory.

I didn't understand then that God was really building my testimony and my strength to deal with what I would face in order that I may tell our story. Everything that happened was for His glory and I am so excited that He chose me.



Scripture Reference: The suffering of this present time isn't worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18



Song Reference:  "For Your Glory" by Christal Brown Heyward
Click Picture below to listen.


Contact:
Christal Brown Heyward
gibsongmusic@aol.com
843.452.6867

Three Peas in a Pod

So do you remember the post about me praying for our baby in heaven to come down and be with us? It was from the It's Already Done in the Spirit post. (click link to read) Shortly after finding out we were expecting our baby blessing, I called my friends who were waiting on their blessing as well.

When I called them to share in our blessing, they were just as elated as I was.  They both asked for the details of how I found out, how I told my husband and wanted to know how I felt. To my SURPRISE, they told me they too were...................................... PREGNANT!!!! I can't remember what I said to them individually but I know that I cried and praised God and thanked Him for answering my prayers. I don't even remember how long we spoke on the phone but I remember telling them that I prayed for them and prayed that their babies would come down from heaven as well.  We cried. We laughed. We squealed with excitement knowing that our babies were supposed to arrive on July 17, July 28, and July 29.  Though two of us were in Charleston and the other in Virginia we spoke excitedly about how our babies would be best of friends because they had a unique spiritual bond.

Over the next few months, we shared stories of doctor visits, pregnancy symptoms, telling our families we were expecting, waiting on gender reveals, swapping ultrasound pictures and heartbeat sound bites.  We were all so very happy.  I couldn't have a better group of ladies to share this with.

I remember getting a call from one of them that she saw she didn't feel quite right when she woke up that morning. I remained calm and called our other friend and we prayed for her and waited to hear the news. We spoke life and not death. We spoke life and not miscarriages. We prayed that all would be well and it was. We later found out that she was diagnosed with a condition that 25% of pregnant women have during their pregnancy. We prayed that God would keep her baby in her womb until it was a healthy living baby. The three of us also talked about first kicks from our promises, what to expect in our visits to come and just were elated.

We were carrying God's promises! What's so special about the Three Peas in a Pod? Well let me tell you!!! God blessed us indeed and is using us in a mighty way. You see when doctors told all three of us NO, God Said YES!.  I was given only a 5% chance of conceiving. My other friend had already had 3 failed IVF procedures and was having some health issues where she didn't want to have the last embryos implanted for fear that it would not work but she did. What do we all have in common? When doctors or man says it's impossible God is the ONLY one that can say YES and turn that dismal situation into JOY!



Song: You Are My Friend By Patti Labelle

We've Got to Get Out of Here

I refused to let my world crash all around me. Today was a big day for my husband and our friends. This was the day my husband would stand and deliver his annual conference report, our good friend and brother was being ordained an Itinerant Elder, a great friend of the family was doing a health presentation and by the way, we weren't pregnant.

After seeing the results, we prayed and I reminded hubby that we needed to be strong. We have to get through the day. We can't just stay here and cry. We can't go to conference looking defeated. As I was encouraging him I was encouraging myself and trying so hard not to cry. He cried.

We arrived at the church, smiled and hugged everyone as we had done all week. We were still Rev. and Mrs. Washington. We couldn't stay in bed and wallow in the fact that we were both broken. It was really a "take up your bed and walk" kind of day. I made it through the morning and was ready to have lunch with the other minister's spouses and the pastors. We were almost done with the morning session and was ready for a breather and time to stretch my legs from sitting all morning. The final thing on the agenda for the morning was a Memorial Service and recognizing those who passed away since the last conference year. I was fine as they called the names of those who passed away. I was fine when they called the names of the Emanuel 9. I wasn't okay when they sang the song, "It is Well With my Soul."  I cried. I kept telling God it was well with my soul but it wasn't.

How is it possible for me to mourn something/someone that I never lost? After the memorial I made a beeline to my husband and I told him "we've got to get out of here!" I felt like I was about to about to cry again and I didn't need everyone asking or assuming what could be wrong. I put on the biggest pair of sunglasses I had in my purse and we left for lunch. I cried for a good 15 minutes straight. I cried out to God, "What is it that you want me to do? Did I do something in my younger years that were so horrible that I'm being punished?" I had so much hope in Him with this last procedure and my body aligned and did everything that it was suppose to do. Why is it not working? After crying a few more minutes, my husband and I went to lunch at a local Charleston spot away from everyone else. I really didn't have an appetite but I knew I had to eat something. After lunch I stopped to refresh my makeup and tried to put on a happy face. I'd much rather be home in bed but that wasn't possible because I had to make sure I was there to support my husband as he gave his report.  I don't know how but we've got to get out of here!

After lunch we arrived back at the conference and it was almost time for my husband to give his report. The visiting Bishop who was listening to the reports requested that all couples hug and kiss before the pastor delivered the report. Everyone looking on as we stood at the podium ready to give the report were looking to giggle or ooooh after we kissed had no idea what we had faced earlier that morning. I was anxious to get another hug and love kiss from my husband to lift my spirits and so did he. Best Hug and kiss I received all day. The day went forward and so did the night session. We left for the evening and cuddled all night. I don't think either of us slept. In fact hubby was extremely restless and got up at 3 am to do work on his laptop.

The next day was the final day of conference and I figured if I can just make it through today I would be great. At the close of the conference, my husband held my hand and said to me, "I know this has been tough for you. I know it hurts. I am amazed at your strength. Last night I wasn't working on my laptop, I was booking flights and hotels for the next 6 days. We've got to get out of here! You and I need to be refueled and we can't do it here in Charleston. When we get home from church tomorrow, please pack a few bags we are going on a vacation."

We didn't allow anyone to know where we were going. In fact just for safety measures we allowed our parents to only hear our voices at take off and when we landed.

The final day of annual conference. It's amazing how we don't look like what we were going through.
 This picture on social media got so many likes when we were so broken. #praising 

Who's Report Will You Believe?

As a result of "Commanding my Health" I realized that I needed to also not put all of my faith in one doctor. A good friend once told me that doctors, lawyers, and other professionals of the sort are "PRACTICING" they don't know it all. She also reminded me I needed to be comfortable with the person that I am entrusting this process to. It was time for a second opinion.

I had all of my medical records sent to the new Reproductive Endocrinologist and was all set for my appointment.  The appointment was set for June 2015, 2 months after the results of the 2nd failed IUI.

When I pulled in the parking lot of the medical office something felt different. Butterflies were flying all around my car and I noticed an iron statue of an egret or a stork. The office was warm and inviting and the staff was amazing. Maybe they felt in their spirits what I had gone through the last 2 1/2 years and were extremely sympathetic in knowing I was coming for a second opinion.  I waited for a few moments and I was called back to meet with the doctor.

"So tell me about yourself? Your husband? Tell me about why you are here?"  This doctor was wasting no time. I was glad he cared enough to get to know me before he reported his findings from the stack of at least 6 charts on his desk that I knew were mine. I told him a little about myself, occupation, about my husband and him pastoring. Immediately when he found out my husband was an AME pastor he offered his condolences for the Emanuel 9 tragedy that happened exactly 2 weeks prior to my visit. After a few minutes of telling why I was here, he reared back in his chair and said let's get started. Are you ready?  (I'm sure it's a rhetorical question so there was really no need for an answer but I answered anyway.) "Yes Doctor, I'm ready!"

He looked at me and looked at my chart and asked 2 questions that changed my life. "Who told you that you had PCOS? What tests did they do?"  He didn't allow me a chance to answer and instead began going over my lab numbers from the last few years and told me that I may have been misdiagnosed. Apparently, you can't diagnosis a patient with PCOS simply by the ultrasound, the lab results must also confirm the diagnosis. I in fact had been diagnosed on European standards. This doctor looked me in my eyes and said, "I know you are a believer and just like the Emanuel 9 tragedy, you have to not only be Charleston Strong but Deronda Strong. You have to be strong knowing that even if none of the fertility treatments ever work you know that nothing is 'wrong' with you except what we call unexplained infertility" He continued to pour into me and I wept. Happy tears flowed. I didn't feel empty inside. I didn't feel barren. I didn't feel sterile or any other adjective used to describe the word infertile because I knew that was no longer me. He then did an ultrasound of my reproductive organs. When I looked at the screen I was SHOCKED!! I remember what the ultrasounds looked like before. This ultrasound showed one of my ovaries with a pearl like bracelet and the other ovary looked totally different than before an was NORMAL! I couldn't wait to get out of the office so I could scream, shout and call my husband. Right then in there I let out a cry and a "Thank you God!" and the nurse just nodded and smiled as the doctor patted my shoulders and left the room.  As I left the office a yellow butterfly landed on my shoulder and was circling around my hair. I called hubby and gave him the news and he let out a "Praise the Lord!!!" 

I was praising God all the way home and was elated. I pulled into the driveway of our home and yellow butterflies were flying all around the front of our home and when I looked in the lake behind our home there was a white stork. Praise Break!!!!! I began thanking God for the signs and confirmation.

We decided to try once more with an IUI. My numbers were amazing. My body was doing what it needed to do on its' on and I didn't have to take any more of the fertility meds. Last attempt and were done. Husband was a little uncertain but we prayed and went forth. When we received our calendar of when to test to see if we got a positive/negative result it was the day before the last day of our church's Annual Conference. We were hopeful. This could be great or it could be bad but we still trusted. September 23, 2015 at 5:30 am I took the test. We aren't pregnant. 

Scripture: Isaiah 53:1  “Who would have believed what we now report? Who could have seen the Lord's hand in this?

Command Your Health

After the results of the 2nd failed IUI, I was still hopeful. I remember the day vividly and of how broken we were. Then as clear as day I heard the voice of God telling me, “Command your Health!” (Blank Stare) Command my Health? Did God really think I wasn’t doing that? I’ve been doing that since day one. I’ve always been taught not to question God but I had to on this one. I always speak life into everyone else and decree and declare things so I realized that’s what he was talking about.

I prayed, anointed myself and said, “God this one’s on You!” Let’s go! I began commanding every part of my body to do what it was supposed to do. I commanded every part of my body to align, be healed and work in accordance to God’s plan for me to be fertile, fruitful and to multiply.

I began to research success stories of women conceiving and having babies with my same diagnosis of PCOS. To my surprise there were tons of success stories. It was encouraging to see the thousands of women posting their stories. I immediately decreed and declared that I too would be able to post one day of my success. Many women had undergone IUI’s, taken meds like Metformin (prescribed), Maca Root, (natural medication) Vitex (natural meds) and Letrozole to become pregnant. I had already taken Metformin and Letrozole as part of my fertility treatment plan and nothing happened.

One of the success stories led me to Babycenter.com where they were discussing how they were blessed with babies. I began reading all of the comments and one stuck out to me. All of the other comments were in black but this one was in purple. It simply said, “Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you cannot conceive. Everything including this happens in His time.” I felt so much better reading that. I knew it was confirmation and continued to command my health. As I continued to peruse the success stories I noticed there was an advertisement for another fertility specialist in my city for complimentary second opinions. Am I strong enough to do this? I decided to wait. Breathe, relax and continue seeking God.

Matthew 21:22 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee...."

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee”—Isaiah 26:3. It’s a familiar scripture that was embedded in my head since I was child. It was on a placard in my parents’ bedroom growing up and I read it daily but I had no idea what it really meant until I was an adult.

A few years ago my husband and I attended a party hosted by our dear friend Sarena James with Soul Jots (Souljots.com). It was not the typical party you may think of, but it changed my life. During this gathering she explained the most important question you may ask someone is “How are you?’’ and to wait intently with no distractions or interruptions for a response. This was one of the best things my husband and I learned to help us in our marriage. Three simple words can make such a difference.

"How Are you?" I came home one evening and my husband asked me those three words and at that very instant I wished he had not. Was he really ready for my response? Should I unpack all of my feelings from this heavy suitcase I’ve been carrying? All these things were playing over in my head as he waited intently for me to answer.

“I need help! Baby, this weight is just too much for me to carry. I’ve done everything He has asked me to do. I genuinely celebrate everyone. I love the fact that God is blessing everyone around us with babies because it shows He will answer prayers. I keep trying to focus on scriptures. The book of Jeremiah has been my solace. I need help beyond what you as a pastor or husband can give me. My friends can’t help me. I feel like I’m walking around encouraging everyone else and I can’t even encourage myself like David. I don’t want to sit on anyone’s couch because I’m not crazy I just feel like I’m the ONLY one going through this right now! Baby please I gotta get help!”


SILENCE………. For the first time in all of my years of knowing my husband, who has never been at a loss for words, he had absolutely nothing to say. Instead he just stared at me. I remember the look he gave me was “who is this woman?” I mean he married this woman who bounced back from everything. He married a prayer warrior who could call things down from the heavens and pray for everyone and speak life into things. Who is this woman? After a few deep breaths and a rub on his beard, he rubbed my forehead and kissed it. “Deronda I support whatever decision you make. I agree that you need help beyond what I as a husband can give. I cannot and will not choose for you but you have to make a decision."

The bag and weight I was carrying for so long didn't seem so heavy anymore, all because he asked, 'How are you?' and listened.

A friend of mine who I met through my OB/Gyn informed me of a Fertility Support Group that was formed from a group of amazing women that attend Seacoast Church. I decided that something had to give and I needed to be surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. Not talking about my feelings was taking a toll on me. I prayed and focused my mind on the peace that God was granting me. Breathe..... “Thou wilt keep Deronda in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee because Deronda trusteth in thee!"

Scripture Reference: Isaiah 26:3
Song: Perfect Peace by Earnest Pugh (Click here to listen to song)
Soul Jots Party: Click Here to View clip from Soul Jots Party

My Tears Are Watering the Ground for My Blessings

I won’t say the last few months were easy after getting the results from our first failed IUI. It actually sucked! Though our lives were back to ‘normal’ I began putting a lot of things into perspective. I realized through this first process, God was still sustaining me. He never left us nor failed us. My husband was amazing. Our relationship got stronger and our prayer life got even better. During this time I began researching IUIs, success rates and began realizing that most IUIs aren't successful the first round and it took 2-3 IUIs before it worked.  This gave me hope and we decided that we try again March of 2015. This baby would be conceived in love after our 3^rd wedding anniversary and if we were right on our calculations would be born after Christmas or be a New Year’s Baby.

We did like we had done before with first IUI except we prayed and believed that this time it would work. We ordered meds, we were ready!! Let’s go! March 26 was the day! We smiled and held hands again and believed God.

BRIEF PAUSE: I’m sure some of you are reading this and wondering why we are doing a second IUI if the first didn’t work. One thing during the ENTIRE process that my husband and I constantly did was to seek God in everything we did and heard from Him before we made a decision. Some “saints” and “ain’ts” will probably say “Fertility treatments, why didn’t they just wait on God?!?!” Fertility treatments in our eyes are no different from dialysis, cancer treatments, kidney transplants or any other medical treatments one receives for whatever will make their lives better. We realize more and more our journey to fertility was building our testimony. Our testimony was created to help others and build our faith!

Our second IUI felt different. We were still hopeful but I felt different. The morning of our TWW was April 17. I remember like it was yesterday. It was cold and rainy and gloomy. Traffic getting to the fertility center was backed up and in the mist of the rain I accidentally slid and bumped the back of the car in front of me. Luckily, neither of us had any damage and the driver saw my sorority tag on the front of my car and gave me a hug because his mom was also a member of the sorority.

I arrived to the center, labs were drawn, and I had the urge to cry. So I did. I left the center in tears and cried all the way home. I was praying my husband had left for work, however I knew better. When I opened the garage… He was still there. I remember crying out “Lord, Help Me!” I couldn’t shake this feeling. I felt down. I didn’t believe it worked. In fact I just knew that my menstrual cycle was soon to arrive. My husband has more faith than anyone I know and he encouraged me to pray and wait and hear from the doctors.  So we did… and we got the same news we got on November 17. No you aren’t pregnant. I took a walk in the rain with my dog and cried. This thing was breaking me down. Those tears wouldn’t stop! I arrived back home to my husband who by this time was on his knees praying and crying. I just remember him telling me he had to go for a drive and he had to leave because we both couldn’t be weak. He was so apologetic. I don’t think I saw him cry this much since his father passed away years before.   Lord, these tears have to be good for something. Little did we know these tears, these liquid prayers, were watering the seeds of blessings that were to come.

How Long will this Feeling Last?

“God, my God!! What is it that you want me to learn? Help me to learn from it, accept it and console me!” The drive home from work was the longest 15 minutes ever. I honestly don’t remember the drive. I just vaguely remember crawling into bed and wishing the pain and the hurt in my heart would be relieved. Even my sweet fur baby, Jaxson knew something wasn’t quite right.

Shortly after I arrived home, my husband came home as well. I remember him calling my name to see where I was in our home but I was too weak to respond and I felt like if I parted my lips to say anything it would result in me crying again. He told me he cancelled all of his meetings at church because his first ministry will always be his family. I cried even more because my husband keeps a very organized schedule and never cancels any meetings… Until now.

It’s a blessing to be married to someone who knows you and you don’t have to spend countless words trying to explain how you feel. Hubby crawled into bed with me and simply allowed me to cry, vent, ask countless questions he couldn’t give the answer to and then dried every tear that fell on my cheeks and watched me fall asleep. I woke up from a nap and the only thing I could ask my husband were, “How long will this feeling last? Is this depression? If so, I don’t like this feeling and I can’t stay like this!” I could tell those questions broke his heart but he reassured me that I would definitely not always feel like this. He was right.

Two days later I was able to function at a capacity where I was able to get things done and begin to prepare for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Life has to go on right? People needed me. They needed my husband to be their pastor. Someone needed us for something regardless of how low we were.

We got through Thanksgiving and hosting our families at our home. I’m so thankful no one asked about children and how long we were going to wait.

Christmas came and went. New Year’s Day was celebrated with family and friends. How long will this feeling last?


As I look back, sometimes I think we both were walking on eggshells unsure whether or not to bring up the fact that we had a failed IUI and still not conceiving no matter how much we were enjoying each other intimately. For a few months we simply asked each other how each other’s day was and tried to remain prayerful and hopeful because we knew it would one day happen for us.

“How long will this feeling last?” I never got the answer………………

What Are You Waiting For? When are You having Kids?

When you are having difficulty expanding your family, the last words you want to hear are "What are you waiting for?" or "When are you having Kids? Those words hurt and cut so deep. I don't think people really understand how that question can make a wonderful day suddenly spiral into moment where you are remembering the fact you aren't pregnant, you have more tests to have done, more labs to get drawn and more hills to climb. It serves as a constant reminder of the fact that you are still on the Other Side of the Blessing. What's The Other Side of the Blessing? 

The Other Side of the Blessing is that place that really doesn't feel good. It's that place where you are trying to cleave to every promise that God has said will happen but the weight of it not happening when you think it should happen is so heavy upon your heart. It's a place where no one has the words to comfort you and hearing the words, "Relax it will happen" makes you cringe and steam angrily exits from your ears! It's the place where you are waiting to get to The Other Side of the Blessing.... Where you are happy because you have gone through your trials and you finally hear from God. 

I know when I've been asked that question it was not intended to hurt me because it is the next thing that happens after you get married, right? It's only asked because people see how good we are with other people's children and how much the children in our congregations love us so much, right? They only ask because we are loving people who need to bring other loving people into the world to make it a better place, right? Well those words still hurt.

I wish more people would think twice before asking a couple, "What are you waiting for?"