National Infertility Awareness Week: Take a STAND

Never in a million years would I think I would ever face Infertility issues. I did everything in order of what society deems acceptable. I finished college, got a job, dated, married my husband and was ready to have children. For many women it does not happen in that order. 

Ever since I became transparent about our difficulty expanding our family and our journey from faith to fertility, I have met hundreds of women who are silently suffering and pained at the thought of all it would take to conceive or knowing they may never be able to conceive.  

Gospel Recording Artist, Donnie McClurkin, wrote a song entitled, Stand. The lyrics simply say:

What do you do when you've done all you can

And it seems like it's never enough?

And what do you say

When your friends turn away

And you all alone, alone?

Tell me, what do you give when you've given your all

And it seems like you can't make it through?

Well, you just stand when there's nothing left to do

You just stand, watch the Lord see you through

Yes, after you've done all you can,

You just stand

For many women facing infertility issues Standing is one of the most difficult things to do. Standing when Doctors give you 5%  or less chances of ever conceiving  a child. Standing when you have had failed fertility treatments and you are still asked "What are you waiting on?" Standing when your health insurance plans do not cover treatments nor meds is not an easy feat. 

So I decided that when God blessed my womb to bear a child I would take a STAND for the many women who are silently struggling. I never knew that starting this blog would impact the lives of so many women. I'm blessed to be a vessel that God chose for this time.  This weekend I had the opportunity to sit in a room filled with women who shared in blessing my future daughter with love and wisdom. One of her "aunties" hugged me and said, "Thank you for your story and thank you on behalf of someone who didn't get to complete the full journey to motherhood." Today I am honored that I have a voice for the "eternal aunties" who love like moms, nurturing their village with love, support and wisdom.

For many years I was on a "STOPASKING" campaign so that people would stop asking women hard questions as it relates to fertility. You know "What are you waiting for to have children?" "Something must be wrong, have you tried meds?" However after going through three rounds of failed fertility treatments and finally conceiving naturally,  I am now on a campaign to STAND for others and #STARTASKING.

#StartAsking

• Employers for insurance coverage. 
• My lawmakers and legislators to support issues important to the infertility community. 
• My Friends and family to support you.
• The media to cover infertility and the real challenges we all face. 
• My network to make a donation to the cause. 
• My  partner to get involved.
• Those who have resolved their infertility to stay involved. 
• OB/GYN or healthcare provider to talk about MY reproductive health. 
• For affordable care for treatment of a disease. (PCOS, endometriosis, Ovarian Failure, etc)
• Legal access to all family building options nationwide.
• About men’s reproductive health

As we acknowledge National Infertility Awareness Week, I encourage you to ask the right questions and become more sensitive to the needs of those who may have difficulty expanding their families. 

Resources:

Resolve: http://www.resolve.org/

National Infertility Awareness Week: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

25 Things To (And Not to) Say to Someone living with Infertility:  http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

We've Got to Get Out of Here

I refused to let my world crash all around me. Today was a big day for my husband and our friends. This was the day my husband would stand and deliver his annual conference report, our good friend and brother was being ordained an Itinerant Elder, a great friend of the family was doing a health presentation and by the way, we weren't pregnant.

After seeing the results, we prayed and I reminded hubby that we needed to be strong. We have to get through the day. We can't just stay here and cry. We can't go to conference looking defeated. As I was encouraging him I was encouraging myself and trying so hard not to cry. He cried.

We arrived at the church, smiled and hugged everyone as we had done all week. We were still Rev. and Mrs. Washington. We couldn't stay in bed and wallow in the fact that we were both broken. It was really a "take up your bed and walk" kind of day. I made it through the morning and was ready to have lunch with the other minister's spouses and the pastors. We were almost done with the morning session and was ready for a breather and time to stretch my legs from sitting all morning. The final thing on the agenda for the morning was a Memorial Service and recognizing those who passed away since the last conference year. I was fine as they called the names of those who passed away. I was fine when they called the names of the Emanuel 9. I wasn't okay when they sang the song, "It is Well With my Soul."  I cried. I kept telling God it was well with my soul but it wasn't.

How is it possible for me to mourn something/someone that I never lost? After the memorial I made a beeline to my husband and I told him "we've got to get out of here!" I felt like I was about to about to cry again and I didn't need everyone asking or assuming what could be wrong. I put on the biggest pair of sunglasses I had in my purse and we left for lunch. I cried for a good 15 minutes straight. I cried out to God, "What is it that you want me to do? Did I do something in my younger years that were so horrible that I'm being punished?" I had so much hope in Him with this last procedure and my body aligned and did everything that it was suppose to do. Why is it not working? After crying a few more minutes, my husband and I went to lunch at a local Charleston spot away from everyone else. I really didn't have an appetite but I knew I had to eat something. After lunch I stopped to refresh my makeup and tried to put on a happy face. I'd much rather be home in bed but that wasn't possible because I had to make sure I was there to support my husband as he gave his report.  I don't know how but we've got to get out of here!

After lunch we arrived back at the conference and it was almost time for my husband to give his report. The visiting Bishop who was listening to the reports requested that all couples hug and kiss before the pastor delivered the report. Everyone looking on as we stood at the podium ready to give the report were looking to giggle or ooooh after we kissed had no idea what we had faced earlier that morning. I was anxious to get another hug and love kiss from my husband to lift my spirits and so did he. Best Hug and kiss I received all day. The day went forward and so did the night session. We left for the evening and cuddled all night. I don't think either of us slept. In fact hubby was extremely restless and got up at 3 am to do work on his laptop.

The next day was the final day of conference and I figured if I can just make it through today I would be great. At the close of the conference, my husband held my hand and said to me, "I know this has been tough for you. I know it hurts. I am amazed at your strength. Last night I wasn't working on my laptop, I was booking flights and hotels for the next 6 days. We've got to get out of here! You and I need to be refueled and we can't do it here in Charleston. When we get home from church tomorrow, please pack a few bags we are going on a vacation."

We didn't allow anyone to know where we were going. In fact just for safety measures we allowed our parents to only hear our voices at take off and when we landed.

The final day of annual conference. It's amazing how we don't look like what we were going through.
 This picture on social media got so many likes when we were so broken. #praising 

Who's Report Will You Believe?

As a result of "Commanding my Health" I realized that I needed to also not put all of my faith in one doctor. A good friend once told me that doctors, lawyers, and other professionals of the sort are "PRACTICING" they don't know it all. She also reminded me I needed to be comfortable with the person that I am entrusting this process to. It was time for a second opinion.

I had all of my medical records sent to the new Reproductive Endocrinologist and was all set for my appointment.  The appointment was set for June 2015, 2 months after the results of the 2nd failed IUI.

When I pulled in the parking lot of the medical office something felt different. Butterflies were flying all around my car and I noticed an iron statue of an egret or a stork. The office was warm and inviting and the staff was amazing. Maybe they felt in their spirits what I had gone through the last 2 1/2 years and were extremely sympathetic in knowing I was coming for a second opinion.  I waited for a few moments and I was called back to meet with the doctor.

"So tell me about yourself? Your husband? Tell me about why you are here?"  This doctor was wasting no time. I was glad he cared enough to get to know me before he reported his findings from the stack of at least 6 charts on his desk that I knew were mine. I told him a little about myself, occupation, about my husband and him pastoring. Immediately when he found out my husband was an AME pastor he offered his condolences for the Emanuel 9 tragedy that happened exactly 2 weeks prior to my visit. After a few minutes of telling why I was here, he reared back in his chair and said let's get started. Are you ready?  (I'm sure it's a rhetorical question so there was really no need for an answer but I answered anyway.) "Yes Doctor, I'm ready!"

He looked at me and looked at my chart and asked 2 questions that changed my life. "Who told you that you had PCOS? What tests did they do?"  He didn't allow me a chance to answer and instead began going over my lab numbers from the last few years and told me that I may have been misdiagnosed. Apparently, you can't diagnosis a patient with PCOS simply by the ultrasound, the lab results must also confirm the diagnosis. I in fact had been diagnosed on European standards. This doctor looked me in my eyes and said, "I know you are a believer and just like the Emanuel 9 tragedy, you have to not only be Charleston Strong but Deronda Strong. You have to be strong knowing that even if none of the fertility treatments ever work you know that nothing is 'wrong' with you except what we call unexplained infertility" He continued to pour into me and I wept. Happy tears flowed. I didn't feel empty inside. I didn't feel barren. I didn't feel sterile or any other adjective used to describe the word infertile because I knew that was no longer me. He then did an ultrasound of my reproductive organs. When I looked at the screen I was SHOCKED!! I remember what the ultrasounds looked like before. This ultrasound showed one of my ovaries with a pearl like bracelet and the other ovary looked totally different than before an was NORMAL! I couldn't wait to get out of the office so I could scream, shout and call my husband. Right then in there I let out a cry and a "Thank you God!" and the nurse just nodded and smiled as the doctor patted my shoulders and left the room.  As I left the office a yellow butterfly landed on my shoulder and was circling around my hair. I called hubby and gave him the news and he let out a "Praise the Lord!!!" 

I was praising God all the way home and was elated. I pulled into the driveway of our home and yellow butterflies were flying all around the front of our home and when I looked in the lake behind our home there was a white stork. Praise Break!!!!! I began thanking God for the signs and confirmation.

We decided to try once more with an IUI. My numbers were amazing. My body was doing what it needed to do on its' on and I didn't have to take any more of the fertility meds. Last attempt and were done. Husband was a little uncertain but we prayed and went forth. When we received our calendar of when to test to see if we got a positive/negative result it was the day before the last day of our church's Annual Conference. We were hopeful. This could be great or it could be bad but we still trusted. September 23, 2015 at 5:30 am I took the test. We aren't pregnant. 

Scripture: Isaiah 53:1  “Who would have believed what we now report? Who could have seen the Lord's hand in this?

For where two or three gather in my name

I must say I have an amazing village who have been supportive during this time. Not everyone was or will ever be privy to every part of this journey but it was important for me to have individuals who could relate to me as well as pour into me that which I thought was lost.

My fertility journey sisters from Seacoast and my For the Love of Mom Genes founder Aubrey Atkinson were amazing. I first encountered this group of amazing women at my first meeting at Starbucks. (Whew… I honestly thought we would meet in room with no windows sitting in a large circle and I would have to introduce myself as, ‘Hi, my name is Deronda and a doctor has said I will only have a 5% chance of conceiving on my own.’ And the response would be, ‘Hi Deronda!”  This meeting was none of the sort! It was a group of women who welcomed me with open arms, smiles and “loved me Big.” When I told them my story, they listened. They nodded. They felt my heart. Then I heard two words that I had not heard in all of the 2 ½ years I had been facing this issue, “ME TOO!” Finally a group of women from different walks of life, different races, different occupations… but we were all the same. We wanted children more than anything and we had the Faith knowing that God can do it.  I’m forever grateful to these ladies. I have gained so much strength from these ladies. They taught me to be vocal and to find my strength and to help realize I had no reason to be ashamed of my journey.  During the course of our meetings we discussed our feelings, where we were with fertility treatments, successes, losses, husbands, labs, appointments, etc. These ladies were there to support in happy times with pregnancy announcements and they were there to give hugs, calls and flowers during our most difficult times. (SORRY THAT’S ALL YOU CAN KNOW.. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE GROUP STAYS IN THE GROUP)

A few ladies from the Fertility Support Group enjoying lunch XOXO

Connect with For the love of Mom Genes

Facebook: For the Love of Mom Genes

Instagram: For the Love of Mom Genes on Instagram

My SeatMate

Along this journey I also have a sweet friend who encourages me through the process and she is my “seatmate” because she was with me through the journey. My prayer warrior and confidante that never missed a beat and even promised me that one day I would see what a ‘miracle looks like.’ Sometimes it’s hard encouraging others when you are going through but it was so easy to do this with someone who was pouring the Word back into you. I often times wish my journey with my ‘seatmate’ was a first class smooth ride where we experienced no turbulence or rough patches. It was filled with many tears and heartaches. I remember discussing our journey over ice cream and then walking around in Babies R Us saying one day we would be walking around starting our registry. Forever Grateful! Our journeys are now on a different course. Though our journey is not allowing us to sit next to each other on the same first class flight, we are now passengers on different planes flying in the same direction towards God’s promises.

Prayer Warriors

There have been so many women that God has placed in my life that know how to send up a prayer and see results. These weren't just any prayer warriors these were prayer warriors who were on "The Other Side of the Blessing!" These were they who prayed because they had been there and done that and know first hand the pain I felt. They didn't allow me to have a pity party but they prayed for me and made sure I was still praying and not allowing the Devil to have victory. They reassured me at my lowest point that God can and WILL answer prayers. 

I remember calling one of them on my way to work feeling low and she began praying immediately. She prayed the prayers that were on my heart but I thought God could no longer hear. She boldly told me to fix any areas of my life that were spiritually weak whether it be my prayer life, my marriage, friendships etc. that would block any blessing God was ready to bestow upon me.

There was another warrior who asked me to find someone in the Bible who was feeling like I was and to read how they were delivered and set free. She prayed but also reminded me 'this too shall pass.'

My special prayer warrior at work was also amazing. She has walked and prayed beside me since the day I got the first failed treatment result. She never judged me but she knew that day something wasn't right. I never knew her story until I told her mine and I gained so much strength from pint sized woman of God who had an experienced a miscarriage and 2 high risk pregnancies. What's so amazing is that she still was able to check on me during the hustle and bustle of her day and reminded me DAILY that she was praying for me. 

As I reflect on my relationships with these women it reminds of a scripture found in 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it."

Reading that Scripture reminds me that I am not alone. That which I am experiencing, someone has already faced and God didn't let them down and He won't let me now.

Because of them I am.... In every conversation, prayer, or meeting He was there as well!

Scripture: Matthew 18:20

Resources: 

Purpose Conceived Will you Deliver?

For the Love of Mom Genes

Valencya the Visionary: (link coming soon)

My Tears Are Watering the Ground for My Blessings

I won’t say the last few months were easy after getting the results from our first failed IUI. It actually sucked! Though our lives were back to ‘normal’ I began putting a lot of things into perspective. I realized through this first process, God was still sustaining me. He never left us nor failed us. My husband was amazing. Our relationship got stronger and our prayer life got even better. During this time I began researching IUIs, success rates and began realizing that most IUIs aren't successful the first round and it took 2-3 IUIs before it worked.  This gave me hope and we decided that we try again March of 2015. This baby would be conceived in love after our 3^rd wedding anniversary and if we were right on our calculations would be born after Christmas or be a New Year’s Baby.

We did like we had done before with first IUI except we prayed and believed that this time it would work. We ordered meds, we were ready!! Let’s go! March 26 was the day! We smiled and held hands again and believed God.

BRIEF PAUSE: I’m sure some of you are reading this and wondering why we are doing a second IUI if the first didn’t work. One thing during the ENTIRE process that my husband and I constantly did was to seek God in everything we did and heard from Him before we made a decision. Some “saints” and “ain’ts” will probably say “Fertility treatments, why didn’t they just wait on God?!?!” Fertility treatments in our eyes are no different from dialysis, cancer treatments, kidney transplants or any other medical treatments one receives for whatever will make their lives better. We realize more and more our journey to fertility was building our testimony. Our testimony was created to help others and build our faith!

Our second IUI felt different. We were still hopeful but I felt different. The morning of our TWW was April 17. I remember like it was yesterday. It was cold and rainy and gloomy. Traffic getting to the fertility center was backed up and in the mist of the rain I accidentally slid and bumped the back of the car in front of me. Luckily, neither of us had any damage and the driver saw my sorority tag on the front of my car and gave me a hug because his mom was also a member of the sorority.

I arrived to the center, labs were drawn, and I had the urge to cry. So I did. I left the center in tears and cried all the way home. I was praying my husband had left for work, however I knew better. When I opened the garage… He was still there. I remember crying out “Lord, Help Me!” I couldn’t shake this feeling. I felt down. I didn’t believe it worked. In fact I just knew that my menstrual cycle was soon to arrive. My husband has more faith than anyone I know and he encouraged me to pray and wait and hear from the doctors.  So we did… and we got the same news we got on November 17. No you aren’t pregnant. I took a walk in the rain with my dog and cried. This thing was breaking me down. Those tears wouldn’t stop! I arrived back home to my husband who by this time was on his knees praying and crying. I just remember him telling me he had to go for a drive and he had to leave because we both couldn’t be weak. He was so apologetic. I don’t think I saw him cry this much since his father passed away years before.   Lord, these tears have to be good for something. Little did we know these tears, these liquid prayers, were watering the seeds of blessings that were to come.