Monday, February 15, 2016

How Long will this Feeling Last?

“God, my God!! What is it that you want me to learn? Help me to learn from it, accept it and console me!” The drive home from work was the longest 15 minutes ever. I honestly don’t remember the drive. I just vaguely remember crawling into bed and wishing the pain and the hurt in my heart would be relieved. Even my sweet fur baby, Jaxson knew something wasn’t quite right.

Shortly after I arrived home, my husband came home as well. I remember him calling my name to see where I was in our home but I was too weak to respond and I felt like if I parted my lips to say anything it would result in me crying again. He told me he cancelled all of his meetings at church because his first ministry will always be his family. I cried even more because my husband keeps a very organized schedule and never cancels any meetings… Until now.

It’s a blessing to be married to someone who knows you and you don’t have to spend countless words trying to explain how you feel. Hubby crawled into bed with me and simply allowed me to cry, vent, ask countless questions he couldn’t give the answer to and then dried every tear that fell on my cheeks and watched me fall asleep. I woke up from a nap and the only thing I could ask my husband were, “How long will this feeling last? Is this depression? If so, I don’t like this feeling and I can’t stay like this!” I could tell those questions broke his heart but he reassured me that I would definitely not always feel like this. He was right.

Two days later I was able to function at a capacity where I was able to get things done and begin to prepare for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Life has to go on right? People needed me. They needed my husband to be their pastor. Someone needed us for something regardless of how low we were.

We got through Thanksgiving and hosting our families at our home. I’m so thankful no one asked about children and how long we were going to wait.

Christmas came and went. New Year’s Day was celebrated with family and friends. How long will this feeling last?

As I look back, sometimes I think we both were walking on eggshells unsure whether or not to bring up the fact that we had a failed IUI and still not conceiving no matter how much we were enjoying each other intimately. For a few months we simply asked each other how each other’s day was and tried to remain prayerful and hopeful because we knew it would one day happen for us.

“How long will this feeling last?” I never got the answer………………

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