“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee”—Isaiah 26:3. It’s a familiar scripture that was embedded in my head since I was child. It was on a placard in my parents’ bedroom growing up and I read it daily but I had no idea what it really meant until I was an adult.
A few years ago my husband and I attended a party hosted by our dear friend Sarena James with Soul Jots (Souljots.com). It was not the typical party you may think of, but it changed my life. During this gathering she explained the most important question you may ask someone is “How are you?’’ and to wait intently with no distractions or interruptions for a response. This was one of the best things my husband and I learned to help us in our marriage. Three simple words can make such a difference.
"How Are you?" I came home one evening and my husband asked me those three words and at that very instant I wished he had not. Was he really ready for my response? Should I unpack all of my feelings from this heavy suitcase I’ve been carrying? All these things were playing over in my head as he waited intently for me to answer.
“I need help! Baby, this weight is just too much for me to carry. I’ve done everything He has asked me to do. I genuinely celebrate everyone. I love the fact that God is blessing everyone around us with babies because it shows He will answer prayers. I keep trying to focus on scriptures. The book of Jeremiah has been my solace. I need help beyond what you as a pastor or husband can give me. My friends can’t help me. I feel like I’m walking around encouraging everyone else and I can’t even encourage myself like David. I don’t want to sit on anyone’s couch because I’m not crazy I just feel like I’m the ONLY one going through this right now! Baby please I gotta get help!”
SILENCE………. For the first time in all of my years of knowing my husband, who has never been at a loss for words, he had absolutely nothing to say. Instead he just stared at me. I remember the look he gave me was “who is this woman?” I mean he married this woman who bounced back from everything. He married a prayer warrior who could call things down from the heavens and pray for everyone and speak life into things. Who is this woman? After a few deep breaths and a rub on his beard, he rubbed my forehead and kissed it. “Deronda I support whatever decision you make. I agree that you need help beyond what I as a husband can give. I cannot and will not choose for you but you have to make a decision."
The bag and weight I was carrying for so long didn't seem so heavy anymore, all because he asked, 'How are you?' and listened.
A friend of mine who I met through my OB/Gyn informed me of a Fertility Support Group that was formed from a group of amazing women that attend Seacoast Church. I decided that something had to give and I needed to be surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. Not talking about my feelings was taking a toll on me. I prayed and focused my mind on the peace that God was granting me. Breathe..... “Thou wilt keep Deronda in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee because Deronda trusteth in thee!"