National Infertility Awareness Week: Take a STAND

Never in a million years would I think I would ever face Infertility issues. I did everything in order of what society deems acceptable. I finished college, got a job, dated, married my husband and was ready to have children. For many women it does not happen in that order. 

Ever since I became transparent about our difficulty expanding our family and our journey from faith to fertility, I have met hundreds of women who are silently suffering and pained at the thought of all it would take to conceive or knowing they may never be able to conceive.  

Gospel Recording Artist, Donnie McClurkin, wrote a song entitled, Stand. The lyrics simply say:

What do you do when you've done all you can

And it seems like it's never enough?

And what do you say

When your friends turn away

And you all alone, alone?

Tell me, what do you give when you've given your all

And it seems like you can't make it through?

Well, you just stand when there's nothing left to do

You just stand, watch the Lord see you through

Yes, after you've done all you can,

You just stand

For many women facing infertility issues Standing is one of the most difficult things to do. Standing when Doctors give you 5%  or less chances of ever conceiving  a child. Standing when you have had failed fertility treatments and you are still asked "What are you waiting on?" Standing when your health insurance plans do not cover treatments nor meds is not an easy feat. 

So I decided that when God blessed my womb to bear a child I would take a STAND for the many women who are silently struggling. I never knew that starting this blog would impact the lives of so many women. I'm blessed to be a vessel that God chose for this time.  This weekend I had the opportunity to sit in a room filled with women who shared in blessing my future daughter with love and wisdom. One of her "aunties" hugged me and said, "Thank you for your story and thank you on behalf of someone who didn't get to complete the full journey to motherhood." Today I am honored that I have a voice for the "eternal aunties" who love like moms, nurturing their village with love, support and wisdom.

For many years I was on a "STOPASKING" campaign so that people would stop asking women hard questions as it relates to fertility. You know "What are you waiting for to have children?" "Something must be wrong, have you tried meds?" However after going through three rounds of failed fertility treatments and finally conceiving naturally,  I am now on a campaign to STAND for others and #STARTASKING.

#StartAsking

• Employers for insurance coverage. 
• My lawmakers and legislators to support issues important to the infertility community. 
• My Friends and family to support you.
• The media to cover infertility and the real challenges we all face. 
• My network to make a donation to the cause. 
• My  partner to get involved.
• Those who have resolved their infertility to stay involved. 
• OB/GYN or healthcare provider to talk about MY reproductive health. 
• For affordable care for treatment of a disease. (PCOS, endometriosis, Ovarian Failure, etc)
• Legal access to all family building options nationwide.
• About men’s reproductive health

As we acknowledge National Infertility Awareness Week, I encourage you to ask the right questions and become more sensitive to the needs of those who may have difficulty expanding their families. 

Resources:

Resolve: http://www.resolve.org/

National Infertility Awareness Week: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

25 Things To (And Not to) Say to Someone living with Infertility:  http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

THOSE WHO INTERCEDE FOR OTHERS, SHOULD MAKE CERTAIN SOMEONE IS INTERCEDING FOR THEM.

I am honored to have my husband contribute to today's blog. The feelings from infertility, fertility issues, or difficulty expanding your family is not isolated to just the female. I remember after our initial appointment, I prayed to God, "If there is an issue, please let it be with me because I can handle this and I can go through all of the procedures to "fix" what is wrong."  I was relieved when all of his tests came back and he was not the source of our fertility issues. Now I needed him to be strong for me and help me work pass the "diagnosis" from doctors as well as to pray like never before. I didn't realize that my husband was also secretly going through and having just as many low moments as I was. 

How do you console a crying wife when you both are dealing with the same issue? We are both ever grateful for those who were intercessors and praying for us during this time. 

THOSE WHO INTERCEDE FOR OTHERS,  SHOULD MAKE CERTAIN SOMEONE IS  INTERCEDING FOR THEM. Aaron and Hur held his hands up-one on one side, one on the other. Exodus 17:12 Thank you.  Those two words have such a greater meaning in my life these days.  Honestly, if I had fainted, I would never believe that God could be so extraordinarily good to my wife and me.  Yes we pray; yes we believe; yet and still, we always felt so unworthy.  For some time my wife, Deronda, has been blogging about our experiences with conceiving a child of our own on her site, TheOtherSideoftheBlessing.  Each week, she shares a little bit more about our journey and how God blessed us despite our fertility doctors giving us a 5% chance at conception.  Even after three failed fertility treatments, we still trusted God.  Today, we are a little over 26 weeks (Praise the Lord) and we are excited to meet our daughter, Braylen Jael.  But it's been a journey.             In my season of thanks, I am so very thankful for the relationships we have that have been strengthened by this journey God has designed for our lives.  So many have sown seeds of thankfulness, prayer, and strength as we went through that which we have endured.  I recall, two friends in particular, who acted as living testimonies of God's promises.  I so vividly remember one evening Deronda and I, along with our friends, had a date night where we went to the movies to see "War Room" and have dinner.  While in the center of the restaurant the topic of child birth came up.  Our friends reminded us to continue to speak the name of our child in the atmosphere.  They agreed with us in prayer that God will perform in this situation.  As we spoke, the tears welled in my eyes because I knew that this last procedure had failed.  As we talked, my heart ached and I felt so overwhelmed by the circumstances surrounding our conception, or lack thereof.  I felt lifeless, as if I was a failure, my soul had literally collapsed to the ground.  The irony of it all is in my collapsing, I had this strong sense that these two friends of ours were holding me up.  They were literally not allowing me to hit the floor.             As I fell into their arms (in a spiritual sense) I was quickly reminded that those who intercede for others, better make sure there is someone interceding for them.  Intercession is spiritual warfare.  It is not for the faint or the feeble.  In Exodus 17, the reader is exposed to a detailed description of the battle between the Israelites and the Amalekites.  According to the text, as long as Moses was lifting up his arms, the Israelites were winning the battle.  But every time Moses' arms grew tired and were lowered, the Israelites would begin to fail.  Aaron and Hur saw what was occurring and immediately when alongside Moses and lifted his arms until the battle was won.             Today, I simply want to thank God that our friends were there to lift up our arms.  If they had allowed us to fail, we would not be celebrating the very gift of God growing in the womb of my wife.  It's an absolute wonder what the Lord can do!  I challenge you today, to discover the intercessors in your life.  Who are the people that will hold you up and hold you together until the battle is won.  I promise you, no matter how strong you are, there are things in this life that you are not designed to go through alone.  Be encouraged, someone is praying for you even right now.

For Your Glory

The suffering of this present time isn't worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us. 
Romans 8:18


Singer/Songwriter, Christal Brown Heyward wrote a song years ago entitled, "For Your Glory." Almost 5 years ago on 11/11/11 at her Tonight We Worship album release, I was able to hear her sing live, "For Your Glory."  I didn't realize how the song would minister to me and so many others back then as it does even more today.  The lyrics simply states:

"I've been through so much, but Lord it was for your glory. I've taken so much, but Lord, it was for your glory. In spite of all I'm Going through, and in spite of what the devil tried to do. Lord it's for your glory! It was for your Glory!! Everything I've gone through it was for the Lord's Glory!"

With every text message, Facebook Message, phone call, or email received about our journey of faith to fertility, I understand better now that it was all for God's glory. The tears we cried were for His glory. The failed fertility treatments were about us understanding how we can minister to and help those who are on their journey to fertility because we too have been on the road they are on. Though many people have surmised that we were blessed when we simply decided to wait on God and stop all fertility treatments, I tend to believe that it was because He was building our testimony that took 3 years to truly unfold. Many have also said "what the devil meant for evil God turned it around." I personally believe that it had nothing to do with the devil because God, all by his magnificent self, qualified us to be His mouthpiece to encourage others. It was all for His glory.

I'm honored each day that I have the strength and ability to share our testimony with others. I'm more honored that He used me as His vessel to spread the word of  our difficulty expanding our family. The irony of this all is I didn't always feel this way. In fact, I remember when I was going through the journey, all I wanted was an immediate result and my prayers answered by God. I could care less about being someone's witness through their difficulty. How can I effectively witness to anyone when in fact my close family and friends had no real idea of what we were really going through?  How could God use me when I've cried more than I smiled?  When I am told things like, "I'm so glad you are telling your story because I never would've had enough courage to do so" or "You are truly brave for for being so transparent" I beam with pride because again......... God chose me knowing I would not only tell our testimony but proclaim He was the one that gets the glory.

I didn't understand then that God was really building my testimony and my strength to deal with what I would face in order that I may tell our story. Everything that happened was for His glory and I am so excited that He chose me.



Scripture Reference: The suffering of this present time isn't worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed in us. Romans 8:18



Song Reference:  "For Your Glory" by Christal Brown Heyward
Click Picture below to listen.


Contact:
Christal Brown Heyward
gibsongmusic@aol.com
843.452.6867

Flowing from my Heart is Gratefulness

I must admit since we found out we were pregnant, found out it was a GIRL, spoke her name in the atmosphere for the first time, witnessed the amazing moment of recognizing it was my little baby moving and not an upset tummy nor gas (lol) I have not be able to control my tears. It's not hormones it's GRATEFULNESS!

I have been amazingly blessed with an amazing pregnancy thus far. NO morning sickness. NO major aches and pains. I've had no food nor smell aversions. Often times I forget I'm even pregnant besides the perfectly cantaloupe shaped belly that makes my heart smile. I'm simply Grateful! 

Sometimes I sit and think about how amazing He really is. I'm grateful that I never allowed my fear to hinder my transparency. I'm grateful He chose me for not only our testimony but for others to see if you remain faithful God has the ability to not only use for His Glory but give you a testimony that will help, heal, and bless those who have the same story or situation. I'm simply Grateful!

There has been an amazing outpouring of love and blessings towards me, Jarrett and Baby Braylen since we found out we were pregnant. I've never seen more packages delivered to our home weekly for a little girl who has not even arrived in the world yet. Baby shoes, cute outfits, Baby Bible, and love wrapped up in the form of friends who simply hug  us, celebrate with us and tell us they are there if we need them.  I'm simply Grateful!

With every doctor's visit comes a new reason to smile. I smile and get filled with wonderful joy when I see the staff who know our story, who prayed for our breakthrough and who are elated that this has been an amazing pregnancy. I'm forever grateful to the best OBGyn, Dr. Kenosha Gleaton, for her being SUPER, SPIRITUAL, STUDIOUS AND SPECIAL (Blog about "Specialing" coming soon!) I'm simply Grateful!

I didn't know how much the books "Supernatural Childbirth" and "Supernatural Childbirth Prayers" would mean to during this pregnancy. These books are filled with prayers and amazing stories of other women and families experiencing what others call "supernatural" or "impossible" during a pregnancy. I'm believing God for an amazing delivery because of this amazing pregnancy so far. If I'm in a covenant relationship with Him, standing on His word, believing His word, I too know that He will give me the desires of my heart for not only a supernatural pregnancy but a supernatural delivery and healthy baby. God said it! I believe it! That settles it!  I'm simply Grateful!

As I look back over the course of the last 3 years I realize that it has truly been a journey. We've experienced lots of highs and tremendous lows. During this time we still remained faithful and prayerful. I was grateful for the family and friends and now even more of the process we have gone through to be to a place called Here. I'm grateful for this journey though I didn't appreciate it when I was walking and sometimes crawling on this path. I'm simply Grateful!

Scripture: 1 Thessalonians 5:18 - In every thing give thanks: for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.

Song: Be Grateful by Walter Hawkins (Click here to listen)

It's A Girl!

Believing the dream my husband had of  us having a little boy and keeping with the name from the dream, we just knew it was a boy. We were still happy when the Maternal Fetal Medicine Specialist called and revealed from our chromosome study, there were no signs of abnormalities, Downs Syndrome and we were having a GIRL!! It was an unexpected call late on a Friday evening. Jarrett had just left to pick up dinner when the call came through. I was debating whether or not to tell him right away or should I surprise him some how.................... hmmmmmmmmmmm? Nope, I called him right away. We were on this journey together and there were no need for surprises or secrets amongst us. We knew since the first week in January but we decided to plan a Gender Reveal Party for Super Bowl Sunday at our home.

It was hilarious getting old wives tail predictions from others on the gender. Some people were adamantly saying it was a BOY and how he was going to be a preacher like his father. Our mothers somehow already knew what it was going to be but we still didn't let on and kept our secret.

While no one knew the gender it was our time to focus on praying to God for confirmation on her name. We began adding our thoughts and prayers for her on our prayer wall. We wanted to keep a name similar to what was in my husband's dream of a boy but create a girl's name. We also wanted to keep the initials we created already for the boy of BJW. Jarrett immediately asked if I liked the name Breeland. I told him that it sounded like a last name and said no. He asked about the name Braylen and I loved it!!! Over the course of the next few days we contemplated the middle name and knew we wanted it to have a Biblical meaning. We thought of Elizabeth, Eden, Marie Grace, Michal, Rose, Jael, Arella, Corrine,.. I stopped immediately at Jael!! I loved it!!

~Braylen Jael~

Jael means one who 'ascends', ‘wild gazelle’ or ‘wild goat’, a suitable name for a woman from a nomadic tribe. Jael's story is similar to the story of David and Goliath. Though she was a weak woman, Jael triumphed over a seemingly invincible warrior, Sisera.

During the Super Bowl Gender Reveal with close family and friends, everyone anticipated the Half Time Show of us revealing the sex of our baby.  Thanks to my Line Sister, Kim Nesmith for the amazing cake that revealed to everyone we were having a SWEET BABY GIRL!!! Some were elated, while my 'nephew' Zachary was disappointed because he wanted a boy cousin to play with and protect the girls. Overall everyone simply wanted a healthy baby.

I smiled thinking.......... I'm going to have a Mini-Me. A little AKA Legacy! We could dress alike! I could teach her all things lady-like and she would be the apple of her dad's eyes. I'm having a girl. I will have a daughter! 

              

Three Peas in a Pod

So do you remember the post about me praying for our baby in heaven to come down and be with us? It was from the It's Already Done in the Spirit post. (click link to read) Shortly after finding out we were expecting our baby blessing, I called my friends who were waiting on their blessing as well.

When I called them to share in our blessing, they were just as elated as I was.  They both asked for the details of how I found out, how I told my husband and wanted to know how I felt. To my SURPRISE, they told me they too were...................................... PREGNANT!!!! I can't remember what I said to them individually but I know that I cried and praised God and thanked Him for answering my prayers. I don't even remember how long we spoke on the phone but I remember telling them that I prayed for them and prayed that their babies would come down from heaven as well.  We cried. We laughed. We squealed with excitement knowing that our babies were supposed to arrive on July 17, July 28, and July 29.  Though two of us were in Charleston and the other in Virginia we spoke excitedly about how our babies would be best of friends because they had a unique spiritual bond.

Over the next few months, we shared stories of doctor visits, pregnancy symptoms, telling our families we were expecting, waiting on gender reveals, swapping ultrasound pictures and heartbeat sound bites.  We were all so very happy.  I couldn't have a better group of ladies to share this with.

I remember getting a call from one of them that she saw she didn't feel quite right when she woke up that morning. I remained calm and called our other friend and we prayed for her and waited to hear the news. We spoke life and not death. We spoke life and not miscarriages. We prayed that all would be well and it was. We later found out that she was diagnosed with a condition that 25% of pregnant women have during their pregnancy. We prayed that God would keep her baby in her womb until it was a healthy living baby. The three of us also talked about first kicks from our promises, what to expect in our visits to come and just were elated.

We were carrying God's promises! What's so special about the Three Peas in a Pod? Well let me tell you!!! God blessed us indeed and is using us in a mighty way. You see when doctors told all three of us NO, God Said YES!.  I was given only a 5% chance of conceiving. My other friend had already had 3 failed IVF procedures and was having some health issues where she didn't want to have the last embryos implanted for fear that it would not work but she did. What do we all have in common? When doctors or man says it's impossible God is the ONLY one that can say YES and turn that dismal situation into JOY!



Song: You Are My Friend By Patti Labelle

The Secret Is Out!

After waiting close to two months we couldn't wait to tell everyone we were pregnant. We found creative ways to tell everyone via Christmas shirts with their new names on the back, i.e. "Aunt Ty, Uncle CJ, Big Cousin, etc. We also called close family and friends telling them we had Christmas gifts for them but it wouldn't be ready until July. The stunned faces, the squeals over the phone, the tears, and even the speaking in tongues were priceless! We told mostly everyone the day after Christmas but we told our family on our Family Christmas cruise or in person before we left for the cruise. Many people on our annual Christmas Card list were texting and phoning us wondering had we forgotten about them. We were simply waiting until we were 3 months pregnant and the New Year to make an official surprise announcement. We sent out an "Extra Blessed in 2016" card to announce in the New Year that Baby Washington would be arriving.

The joy we felt telling people of our promise was indescribable. I surprised my husband one day at work by sending him a video that I had begun compiling of our story. I didn't realize how much I had "written" of our story via pictures and journaling until this time. I wasn't sure when or how I would release it to the masses but I was determined to not allow my fear to hinder my transparency. We just didn't get pregnant by accident or happenstance. God opened my womb to a blessing. After 3 failed fertility treatments used to build our testimony, God did what only He could.

After sharing our testimony with our family, friends and church family we were ready to tell others.

We released our video story on social media a few minutes after the New Year. (Shout out to Rev. Herbert and Kelli Jenkins for telling us they already knew but were waiting on us to tell them! Lol) I guess everyone was on FaceBook that night because between the hours of 1am and 2pm on January 1, the video received over a thousand likes and I received numerous inbox messages from people also experiencing difficulties expanding their families. I didn't realize what was created to announce our pregnancy would be so beneficial to others.  I never thought in a million years that us sharing our story would bless so many when I was simply writing to heal from the years of disappointment and hurt.

Click Picture below to view video of our story.

Click Picture below for Video of  Our Testimony shared with Hopewell AME Church

Well the Secret is out!!  No it's not that we are pregnant because you knew that before reading this blog. The secret is -----God Did it!! While we were crying, praying, fasting and waiting, God was weaving an intricate pattern so delicately like only He could. As I think about this story I have a better understanding of how good He is. The Secret is Out that we never lost our faith! The Secret Is Out of how God can do exceedingly above all that we ask or think. The Secret is Out that for the last 3 years Jarrett and Deronda Washington have been facing some challenges but they made it through. The Secret is Out that I am not ashamed of my testimony! There is nothing I would trade for my journey.  THE SECRET IS OUT!!

The Songs in Our Hearts

Many people ask how we continue to make it through what we thought was one of the most difficult times of our lives. I look back on all of this and realize how blessed we were and continue to be on this journey. Often times I really don't have a direct answer except saying it was the power of prayer. As I sit back and really think about these last few years I think about the songs in our heart and the praises on our lips.

I recall hearing or singing certain songs while we waited on God to bless my womb. We were constantly in tears because we truly believed the words but sometimes the weight was often very heavy. My husband would often go into praise and worship with tears streaming down his face whenever he heard Javetta Campbell sing, "All is Well."  The lyrics simply said, "No matter what my eyes may see, I know His grace is covering me, ALL IS WELL!"  Imagine hearing this song at one of your most weakest points and at that very moment you still know God can and will fulfill his promises to you! Even when my faith was the size of a mustard seed my husband reminded me every time we heard the song that no matter what the doctors said and what we saw that ALL would be well. He even backed it up with Romans 8:28 reminding me that ALL things were working for our good. This song was always in his heart and served as confirmation.

Click here to Listen to All is Well: All Is Well by Javetta Campbell 

During the week of our church's Annual Conference in September, I was so anxious because we would get the results of our 3rd and final IUI.  I did everything I possibly could to stay busy and not focus on the test results. During the Wednesday night worship services, the Young Adult Ministers were in control of the worship experience. Consequently, the young adults of the conference sang. With only a few minutes to rehearse prior to the service, the choral director stated we would sing, "God is an Awesome God" and "Write the Vision."  I've sung these songs many times before and as long ago as during my college years on the AOE Gospel choir. For some reason this night felt different. I sang the songs with the choir but more important than ministering to the audience, my goal was to minister to myself and believe it with all of my might. I could tell that my husband felt the same as well because as we sang, he was worshiping and as we exchanged glances we too believed it. Months later, I found out that a sister/friend in the audience was believing God for us as well as for own self to pass her upcoming SC Bar exam and for God to do something specific in her life that she wanted more than ever.

The lyrics were simple and was created from the scripture found in Habbakuk 2:2. Jarrett and I had been writing the vision on our prayer board, we were believing God for His promises to come to pass and it was confirmation.

Write the vision, make it plain;

that they may run and not faint.

Though the vision is only for awhile,

it shall speak and not lie.

For if the Lord said it,

you can count on it;

He will do just what He said!!

Click her to view the video of us singing  Write the Vision by Patrick Love 

(Thanks to my cousin Tara Simmons for the video)

These songs will also remain in our heart.

The NUMBER 17..................................

I didn't like the number 17. I didn't like it on sunny days. I didn't like it on cloudy days. I didn't like the number 17! In fact for the last couple of years I wished the calendar would jump from the 16th to the 18th. I didn't like the number 17.

On September 17, 2014 I received my last consult with the Reproductive Endocrinologist and readying myself for our first fertility treatment.

It was on November 17, 2014 that we received our result of the first failed IUI. It was on that day I was trying my hardest to get out of bed so that I may celebrate my mom's birthday but I was in such a low place that I couldn't do it. I didn't like this feeling and I didn't like the number 17.

Five months later on April 17, 2015 we receive the result of our second failed IUI. The day I saw my husband cry inconsolably will be a day I always remember. Yep... I don't like the number 17.

Oh and by the way,  did I ever mention my follicles struggled to get above 17 millimeters during the fertility treatments? Yeah so about that number 17... I don't like 17.

On June 17, 2015, I was ovulating on my own, even when doctors said it wouldn't happen. I was so elated and ready for my husband to come home. Instead I got a call from a news reporter friend about the Mother Emanuel tragedy and had to call my husband to ensure he was not at the usual meeting spot for pastors on our district. When he found out the news of the tragedy, he was summoned to meet with his Elder and the other pastors to pray and console the families waiting to hear of the news of their loved ones. There was no chance of making a baby tonight and I couldn't even think about being intimate under the circumstances nor through the tears of losing several people we loved. I don't like the 17th.

Birthdays are special to us so I felt horribly crying at my husband's birthday dinner on August 17 when the discussion of babies came up. I felt better when he released to me that it was hard for him as well.

Those feelings of despising the number 17 changed when Dr. Gleaton gave me the due date for our little angel. You guessed it..................... the 17th. When Dr. Gleaton told us the anticipated arrival  date was July 17, I had the biggest smile on my face. I am anticipating so much on that day!! I get to see God's promise face to face on that day!!!!  All of a sudden I loved the 17th and I realized that God had to change my heart towards some things I didn't like. I also realized in order to receive complete healing, I had to drop my resentment to the doctor I had bad feelings towards because the fertility treatments didn't work. I had to seek more joy than to remember the pain associated with the number 17.

Let's look at the number 17 a little bit.

Did you not know that the number 17 represents VICTORY in the Bible? Victory was definitely ours. As a matter of fact today and everyday are our days of victory but I especially love looking at the 17th as that day. In like manner 17 being the seventh of the series, it partakes of and intensifies the significance of the number seven. Indeed, it is the combination or sum of two perfect numbers—seven and ten—seven being the number of spiritual perfection, and ten of ordinal perfection. Contrasted together the significance of these two numbers is clear; and when united in the number Seventeen we have a union of their respective meanings, viz., spiritual perfection, plus ordinal perfection, or the perfection of spiritual order.

The number 17 signifies "vanquishing the enemy" and "complete victory in Christ." During the days of Noah, God vanquished rebellious mankind by the flood which He began on the 17th day of 2nd month. The ark came to rest on the 17th day of the 7th month. Jesus was victorious over death when God raised Him from the dead on the 17th day of the first month.

The 17th time love is mentioned in 1 Corinthians 13, it says, "The greatest of all is LOVE" (verse 13). I smiled remembering our engagement celebration scripture. Hence, the love of God (John 3:16) is victorious in all things since he joined my husband and I together. True believers will be victorious over death at the resurrection (1 Corinthians 15:54-55).

Today I am every more inspired because I know today and everyday, God is really up to something. Let’s celebrate VICTORY DAY! My baby will be born and will be victorious!

Maybe the number 17 isn't so bad at all. I officially love the 17th as I anticipate the arrival of Baby Washington.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WHILE I WAIT?

We spend most of our time in life waiting for something. We wait for the traffic light to change. We wait to be next in line at the grocery story. We wait until we find that one to fall in love with and get married. We wait in waiting rooms. We wait to be blessed with children. We wait.....

For the last 3 years I spent a lot of time WAITING. I waited on a positive pregnancy test. I waited for tests results to come back. I waited! I waited!

During my times of waiting I began to journal, pray, practice yoga, fall in love with my husband all over again, busy myself with my church activities and simply tried to not lose my routine. I watched a movie once called Reign over Me starring Don Cheadle and Adam Sadler. One of the quotes that was so profound in the movie was "It's okay to fall down but just don't stay there, get up."  I am not ashamed to say during these three years of waiting that I had many days that I fell down either emotionally, socially or physically.  Some days I couldn't make myself happy even if I tried. There were days where I couldn't force myself to be a social butterfly even if I had the opportunity to be around people I enjoyed. There were some days where I literally fell to our prayer room floor crying and sobbing. One thing I NEVER lost was my FAITH!!!!!!!!! I knew God would do it but it was often difficult waiting. I had to make waiting a better time and I did.

Keeping a Journal was a way that I could write and just allow my feelings to flow. Often times my journal entries turned into doodling and I would have words or pictures connected with squiggly arrows. I journaled while I waited in the doctor's offices in between treatments or labs. It gave me an opportunity to focus more on His Promises and not so much of the problems. I journaled more than just me wanting a baby. I journaled in church. I journaled every chance I got. I remember writing in a journal names of all the ladies I knew wanting children and I wrote down prayers for them as well. In my mind I was thinking if God can do it for them, I know He can do it for me. I journaled scriptures, dates, feelings, blessings for our future child, dreams for my husband, our marriage and so many other things. I ended most of the journals with, "It is So!"

I enrolled in Yoga classes. I'm ever so grateful to Jaclyn Vandorhoof, owner of Yoga Den Charleston. She was so amazingly patient with me as I had never done yoga before. Originally my enrollment with yoga classes were to help with my back discomfort but I was able to fully relax and meditate with each practice on God's will for my life.  At the beginning of each practice, Jaclyn would tell us to set our intentions for each practice and to focus on our intended outcome. In addition to becoming more flexible and relaxed, I began gaining an indescribable sense of peace while I meditated. I set my intentions with every practice by praying and focusing on scriptures. Often times I found myself shedding "yoga tears."  After much research on "crying in yoga" I learned that yoga allows you to be free to relax and solely focus on you. It's intentionally clearing your mind of all the junk and distractions and allow your mind to focus on what your body needs. My body needed this so I allowed it.

I've heard of so many stories where couples' marriages were strained or ended in divorce because of fertility issues. I refused to allow that to happen in our marriage or at least I made a strong effort to not let it happen. I found reasons to fall in love with my husband all over again.  I believe that God gave me the best husband on this planet. I am so grateful that in my weakest moments he knew how to remain strong for the both of us. I'm also grateful that he didn't check me into any mental institutions when I fell hard. lol (I'm serious though) I loved how he still tried to maintain some sense of routine and normalcy in our home and still invited our Wednesday Night Crew over for dinner and talks which forced me to cook and entertain and laugh. I fell in love all over again. Not worshiping, not praying, not praising, missing services, not doing our daily devotions were not options during this time. We both realized then and now his best sermons were preached and our best prayers were prayed privately in our homes. Publicly he made sure I didn't miss a choir rehearsal or meeting with the youth in our church or that I didn't say no to any speaking engagements at our church or in our community. I fell in love all over again!

I also tried not to lose my daily routine. Of course it would be easier to stay in bed eating Rice Chex cereal and crying while watching the Hallmark and Lifetime Movie Channels but what would that solve? I never missed a day at work during this time. A couple of my coworkers knew what was going on but they never allow me to stay down. I stayed busy with my committees in my sorority. I'm grateful for them unknowingly piling work on me. lol (Thanks Gretchen Morgan!)  Our business, Legacy Graphics and Designs, LLC still had to function.  There were orders to be filled, tshirts to be printed and graphics that needed to be designed. I also volunteered being a lunch buddy for my friends' children.  Keep moving Deronda!! Just keep moving!!

Do research: I researched infertility success stories and to find out what works. I googled, castor oil treatments, natural herbal supplements and other things I could do to allow my body to align with God's will for my life. I even anointed my body with oil my husband blessed. I also found out that my husband was praying and anointing my body while I slept. (yeah I love him)

When I was keeping my routine while I waited, I focused more on the blessings around me more than I focused on not being pregnant.

It's not so bad waiting if you know what to do while you Wait...



While I waited...................................

Scripture: Psalm 40:1-4

1I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry.2 He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. 3 And he hath put a new song in my mouth, even praise unto our God: many shall see it, and fear, and shall trust in the Lord. 4 Blessed is that man that maketh the Lord his trust, and respecteth not the proud, nor such as turn aside to lies.

I journaled.....

 

I practiced Yoga

I worked with my sorority sisters.....

We prayed and worshiped together...

This amazing crew was always there for good laughs..

The Sound of Our Breakthrough and a Picture of Our Promise

I am PREGNANT! Je suis enceinte! We made feet for booties!! I'm not sure how many ways I could say the words that I waited so long to be a part of my conversations. What felt even better was my husband and I were carrying our promise and no one had any idea!  I wasn't sure how long we could keep this secret from family and friends especially with the Thanksgiving Holiday approaching.  But Geesh! It felt good! We shared glances and little laughs. We were also the only ones that knew why I slept most of the Thanksgiving Holiday. We are pregnant!

Right away we scheduled our first appointment with our doctor to get checked out and to confirm our pregnancy. This visit didn't feel like any other time we came to be seen by my ObGyn. Sitting in the lobby, we were two giddy kids. The wait was totally different than almost 3 years ago. If you recall from the Lord Teach Me How to Wait post I was a nervous wreck, this time I was calm. When my name was called, Ms Angie, Dr. Gleaton's nurse, greeted me with a smile! She was so excited! "This is amazing! Do you know how happy we are for you? We've been waiting for a long time for this!! Someone is going to cry today and I don't know if  it will be you, your husband or me!" I had my vitals checked and everything looked and sounded good.

As we waited in the examining room we giggled with anticipation and uncertainty. After a few minutes Dr. Gleaton arrived and was her normal bright and bubbly self. She was just as happy and excited as we were. She wanted to hear the details of how we got to this point. She was and continues to be one of our cheerleaders and prayer warriors. Before we started the exam there was a knock at the door and in walks Nurse Angie. She said she wasn't going to miss any part of the first exam. lol. I love them so much!

And then it happened, the exam started, I looked at the monitor and saw the cutest little peanut shaped fetus nestled in my uterus. I saw the strongest heartbeat and instantly fell in love. I immediately began shedding tears of joy and thanking God for this moment. My husband was just as happy! A perfect moment--In an examining room with my husband and the amazing Dr and nurse who had been praying and believing that it would happen.

Brief Pause: When you are believing God for your miracle surround yourself with people who believe and can pray for your breakthrough. Before we started this journey God had already directed me to Dr. Kenosha Gleaton. She was my OBGYN prior to us even being ready to expand our family. My decision was confirmed Day 1 when she told me that she had to provide me with medical science but she often reminded me that we are citizens of a different kingdom and believers!

The first appointment continued to go well and we received tons of information and Do's and Don'ts that I needed to be aware of. The most important thing from this visit was a hearing the sound of our breakthrough, our baby's heartbeat and seeing our promise, the picture of our baby. The first ultrasound pic still hangs on our prayer wall as an answered prayer.

I am so grateful to the awesome Dr. Kenosha Gleaton and her amazing staff at Roper Partners/OBGYN.

Resources: Roper Partners/OBGYN

Waiting to see the doctor for the first time.

Jesus Did It!!!!

It was the second week in November. I had just gotten through FaceTiming my nephew and singing Happy Birthday to him and allowing him to show me all of his Clemson Tiger gear that his parents bought for his 4th Birthday. It was Empire night and I was relaxing with my feet up having a glass of wine and missing my husband. He left earlier that day for our District Convocation in Florence, SC.

During commercial break I received a text from a friend who was a Fertility Massage Therapist. She wanted to know if I was ready to start getting massages. I was ready but I reminded her that she wanted me to wait until my menstrual cycle arrived before I scheduled it. She asked me when it was supposed to arrive and I checked my menstrual app and it said it was suppose to arrive October 17. It was November 11. I shrugged my shoulders and told her that I was feeling weird so I'm sure my cycle would start any day. She texted back, "Take a pregnancy Test." I looked at the phone and I was certain she texted the wrong person. I told her that I couldn't go down that road again and I would instead wait. This answer must not have been good enough for her because she texted me again to say, "Take a pregnancy test!"

I decided that taking a pregnancy test wasn't a top priority on my list, especially when I needed to be packing to join my husband at convocation, shampooing my tresses, and preparing for work the next day all the while trying to watch Empire.  So I did what was important. Besides, I had taken over 50 pregnancy tests in the last 3 years and they all said NOT PREGNANT or showed one lonely line on the test strip.

I waited while I was conditioning my hair to humor myself and take a pregnancy test. I walked away and started packing and getting things ready for my departure. As I was blow drying my hair I looked down and noticed two lines on the test. I did a double take thinking I had taken an ovulation predictor test instead of a pregnancy test. I pulled out five more tests to make sure my eyes weren't playing tricks on me. Positive, Positive, Positive, Positive, Positive!  Okay this couldn't be right. I immediately called my friend Aubrey in the fertility support group to confirm that I was pregnant and to see if I needed to take a ClearBlue Easy Test (weird I know). Aubrey started screaming in the background and so did her husband Josh. I was laughing hysterically because of my nerves and also because I couldn't believe it. All of the "plans" I ever had of finding out I was pregnant and telling my husband we were pregnant went out of the window. I was so nervous and unsure of next steps that I just started crying and saying, "I'm pregnant! I'm really pregnant!"  Sweet Aubrey kept saying how happy she was and her husband in the background was telling me I needed to tell my husband right away just not via text.

Still in disbelief, I drove to CVS pharmacy and got a Clear Blue Easy test that revealed I was pregnant. I then I had to figure out how to tell my husband. I didn't have much time to think because he called. He was talking about my trip the next day and he was giving me advice to stay in Charleston versus taking the two hour ride on the road by myself. He talked about us having two cars at convocation and blah blah blah.. I remember saying, "No babes, it's okay. I'm still coming after work tomorrow."  He kept disagreeing and said that I needed to listen to him for once. I snapped back! "No! I need you to listen to me! I've been having a really great evening and you are really ruining this moment for me. I'm coming to Florence tomorrow because I have something important to tell you face to face! Jarrett, I'm pregnant!!!!!"  You could have heard a rat pee on cotton! Dead silence. He asked if I was sure and I assured him I was because I took nearly 10 tests before I called him. He was so happy! He changed his tone of voice. Told me to rest so I could see him the next day and to be careful on the road!!

As I went to bed that night I played an interlude by Gospel Singer Tasha Cobb recorded, Jesus Did It! When we first heard the song months before, we declared that this song would be our testimony.  In the song she prophetically spoke about how we were receiving  Denial, after denial, after denial and No, after No, after No! And that God was about to give us a Yes! She said Denial three times and No three times. I thought about November 17, 2014 when we got a No! I thought about April 17, 2015 when we got a No! I thought about September 25, 2015 when we got our NO and here it is on November 11, 2015 God gave us a YES!!! I couldn't wait to talk to my wonderful ObGyn to share my testimony and to email the other Reproductive Endocrinologists and tell them, "Jesus Did it!"

After doing a little calculations, I was already 6-8 weeks pregnant!  hmmmmm... It was definitely a Vacation Baby! God answered our prayers while on vacation SUDDENLY!!!!!

If you have been reading these posts in this blog, our testimony has been and continues to be, "JESUS DID IT!"


Song: Jesus Did It by Tasha Cobb

It's Already Done in the Spirit

We came back from our vacation rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. We were also excited to get back and join our friends for a double date night to see War Room and have dinner.

This special couple has been by our side since our courtship and ultimately our marriage. If this relationship couldn't get any better they too poured into our lives because they also had fertility issues from difficulty trying to conceive to miscarriages. She wrote a book that discussed her journey that helped me and others who were facing trouble in expanding their family. I often sought them for advice and they always listened with an intent ear.

The movie, War Room, changed our lives. I believe I cried several times during the movie. I cried the first time realizing that Clara in the movie resembled my deceased sweet grandmother and I also cried knowing that God had given us our answer. We finished the movie with our dear friends and went to dinner to discuss the movie and also for us to talk about how we were doing. It good for us to talk and for someone to listen. My husband who is normally a private person when it comes to our personal lives began to speak. With every word, he became a little more choked up and tears began to swell in his eyes.  I could tell he was trying to hold back his tears so he could calmly release the words that have been on his heart for awhile and he did. He poured out to our dear friends his true feelings about our journey to expanding our family.  Some of the words I heard were old while some were new thoughts and feelings.

Our friends listened intently and began to pour into us. They poured into us spiritual words of wisdom because they remembered being down that road before. One piece of advice I remember so vividly was to speak the name of our child and have conversations with your child. This seemed easy because we had already decided on a name for a Baby Boy. They said to believe in faith that what is being done in the spirit will begin working in the natural. We couldn't wait to get home so that we could finish our existing prayer room to include some of the things we picked up from the movies.

A week later I honestly felt like God was doing something miraculous. It was a crisp fall morning and my husband had already left for the work day. I decided to a little fall cleaning of our Prayer/Future Baby's room and to use a few hours to pray and speak to our future child. I remember cleaning the room and talking to Baby Washington. I remember saying, "Baby ________! When ever you ready to come down from heaven you have a mom and dad that are ready to receive you! You have a room waiting on you! You have a host of family and friends waiting to receive you with open arms!" I even told our dog Jaxson that he was going to be a Big Puppy Brother. lol. In speaking to our baby who was still in heaven, I told the baby that he/she was probably playing in heaven with 2 other babies and when they come from heaven they will be friends on Earth. I prayed this because there were two young ladies in my immediate circle waiting on babies from heaven. If I was preparing for my blessing to come down, It would be great to pray for theirs as well. I knew it was already done in the spirit. I was just waiting in the natural. I remember saying this simple prayer:

"God you didn't intend for me to be barren. Your plan was not for my husband to be childless. Your promised us children. God I understand that these three years were already planned for me. You know what you want my testimony to me. You know what your will for my life is. God I know you will bless me! When you do allow my focus to be on dedicating this baby back to you for your service. Allow this child to be raised in the Christian home you blessed us with. Allow this pregnancy to be amazing. I don't want to complain about anything. I speak against morning sickness, food aversions, or anything that will not allow me to enjoy this pregnancy!  God fill my womb with love, peace and joy so this baby will know he/she is loved before she is borned into this world! Amen.

From that day forward I spoke my child's name into the atmosphere!
It's Already Done In the Spirit!!!


Listen to Song: It's Already Done in the Spirit
Resources: Purpose Conceived Will you Deliver?

Our Prayer Wall in our Future Baby's Room.

Just the Two of Us

We were so happy to be away from everything and everyone. Phones were still on airplane mode and we enjoyed sleeping in.  One morning as my husband was still asleep, I escaped to the balcony of our hotel room to have a little talk with Jesus. It was early in the morning and the sun had not even shown it's face. I took note of the ladies doing yoga and longed to be practicing on the beach with them.

I told God I know that all of what I went through the last few years was building my testimony to help others but I was just so tired and weak. Doctor after doctor, tests after tests, a 5% chance of ever conceiving despite the PCOS misdiagnosis, tear after tear..... I'm tired.

As the sun rose, He spoke to me and said, "My child, I see your tears, I know how you feel just trust me. The doctors gave you a 5% chance of ever conceiving but my GRACE is sufficient. I can do above what the doctors have done. Your tests are building your testimony for you to help others. I'm not punishing you! I love you!"  I love Him too. There is a reason for everything and I guess this journey was not solely about my husband and I. In fact, it was so much bigger than the two of us. I got up, showered, watched the news and began planning a day for my husband. He definitely deserved it just as much as I did.

The Sunrise 

Yoga on the beach

My husband and I enjoyed a wonderful vacation. We shopped, slept, ate, relaxed, and REALLY enjoyed the alone time with each other. I fell in love with him all over again. We promised we would come back and visit our secret spot and enjoy the time that we shared with each other. More importantly we will always remember that this is the place where we were able to quietly commune with God. We fell in love all over again... Just the two of us!

Pictures from our Vacation:

             

We've Got to Get Out of Here

I refused to let my world crash all around me. Today was a big day for my husband and our friends. This was the day my husband would stand and deliver his annual conference report, our good friend and brother was being ordained an Itinerant Elder, a great friend of the family was doing a health presentation and by the way, we weren't pregnant.

After seeing the results, we prayed and I reminded hubby that we needed to be strong. We have to get through the day. We can't just stay here and cry. We can't go to conference looking defeated. As I was encouraging him I was encouraging myself and trying so hard not to cry. He cried.

We arrived at the church, smiled and hugged everyone as we had done all week. We were still Rev. and Mrs. Washington. We couldn't stay in bed and wallow in the fact that we were both broken. It was really a "take up your bed and walk" kind of day. I made it through the morning and was ready to have lunch with the other minister's spouses and the pastors. We were almost done with the morning session and was ready for a breather and time to stretch my legs from sitting all morning. The final thing on the agenda for the morning was a Memorial Service and recognizing those who passed away since the last conference year. I was fine as they called the names of those who passed away. I was fine when they called the names of the Emanuel 9. I wasn't okay when they sang the song, "It is Well With my Soul."  I cried. I kept telling God it was well with my soul but it wasn't.

How is it possible for me to mourn something/someone that I never lost? After the memorial I made a beeline to my husband and I told him "we've got to get out of here!" I felt like I was about to about to cry again and I didn't need everyone asking or assuming what could be wrong. I put on the biggest pair of sunglasses I had in my purse and we left for lunch. I cried for a good 15 minutes straight. I cried out to God, "What is it that you want me to do? Did I do something in my younger years that were so horrible that I'm being punished?" I had so much hope in Him with this last procedure and my body aligned and did everything that it was suppose to do. Why is it not working? After crying a few more minutes, my husband and I went to lunch at a local Charleston spot away from everyone else. I really didn't have an appetite but I knew I had to eat something. After lunch I stopped to refresh my makeup and tried to put on a happy face. I'd much rather be home in bed but that wasn't possible because I had to make sure I was there to support my husband as he gave his report.  I don't know how but we've got to get out of here!

After lunch we arrived back at the conference and it was almost time for my husband to give his report. The visiting Bishop who was listening to the reports requested that all couples hug and kiss before the pastor delivered the report. Everyone looking on as we stood at the podium ready to give the report were looking to giggle or ooooh after we kissed had no idea what we had faced earlier that morning. I was anxious to get another hug and love kiss from my husband to lift my spirits and so did he. Best Hug and kiss I received all day. The day went forward and so did the night session. We left for the evening and cuddled all night. I don't think either of us slept. In fact hubby was extremely restless and got up at 3 am to do work on his laptop.

The next day was the final day of conference and I figured if I can just make it through today I would be great. At the close of the conference, my husband held my hand and said to me, "I know this has been tough for you. I know it hurts. I am amazed at your strength. Last night I wasn't working on my laptop, I was booking flights and hotels for the next 6 days. We've got to get out of here! You and I need to be refueled and we can't do it here in Charleston. When we get home from church tomorrow, please pack a few bags we are going on a vacation."

We didn't allow anyone to know where we were going. In fact just for safety measures we allowed our parents to only hear our voices at take off and when we landed.

The final day of annual conference. It's amazing how we don't look like what we were going through.
 This picture on social media got so many likes when we were so broken. #praising