"Excuse me if I get a little Giddy or maybe even strange"---- It's Father's Day

"Tomorrow is Father’s Day! I am so very happy because this Father’s Day is so much different than any I’ve experienced in the past for this in fact is my first Father’s Day as a real life dad. Yes, as a Pastor, I’ve always received messages, cards, and even gifts on Father’s Day simply because of the calling over my life, but this one is totally different since we are actual parents…Look where God has brought us from. So if I’m a little giddy, can’t stop smiling, or overwhelmingly emotional tomorrow, please let me have that time, because guess what…..my baby’s having a baby, and I’m a daddy!!!! ‪#‎BraylensDaddy‬"--- Facebook Status of Jarrett Washington

I read his status on last evening and my heart melted.  I recall Father's Day 2012 as if it were yesterday. My father was delivering the Father's Day message at the first church we were assigned to. As my husband got up to introduce him, he thanked my father for being an amazing father in love and a few other sentimental words. He then said words that I've never forgotten. He said, "I'm wishing the Ole Man and all the other father's an amazing Father's Day. I may not be one this Father's Day but next Father's Day I will be a father!"  That was four years ago. During our fertility journey my husband never gave up on remembering God's promise to him. 

For years I've seen him wear homemade Dr. Suess hats reading to kindergarten students, cheering at football games, helping with essays, teaching boys how to tie a tie and even allowing our godson to have our home as a haven with no rules... sliding down banisters and even saying yes to him when his parents said no. Last summer I witnessed him cry at the airport when he saw one of the youth from our church off to California not knowing when she would return. I've witnessed him stand with a little boy at Easter who forgot part of his speech to give him support. I've seen him hold my hands and felt him dry my tears as we waited for God to expand our family and I saw how he fell apart on April 17 and again on September 25 when we received the news that our fertility treatments didn't work. That was then..... This is now. If you TRULY knew our story you would understand our celebration and praise. 

A few weeks ago at one of our baby showers everyone witnessed the joy that he felt of being a dad when he promised to only open one of the many gifts we received because there was an abundance of gifts and blessings. Instead of opening one gift......let's just say my husband enjoyed himself and rightfully so. He opened every gift that was presented. 

I have a few tricks up my sleeves today as I celebrate my husband on his first of many Father's Day. As I turn 36 weeks today, time is winding down and he will have lots of work to put in.... lol! I'm so grateful that God has blessed my husband and I to truly celebrate our own Father's Day. He deserves it! He was faithful over the few things and God is blessing him with his own. This was no easy journey and the road was far from smooth and easy but look how God has moved. My husband is going to be a daddy............ He is a daddy. He's our furbaby Jaxson's human daddy and Braylen's daddy. If you see my husband is giddy today, please praise and celebrate with him!

Happy Father's Day Jarrett Britton Washington!

Scripture: Psalm 127: 3-5 "Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court"

National Infertility Awareness Week: Take a STAND

Never in a million years would I think I would ever face Infertility issues. I did everything in order of what society deems acceptable. I finished college, got a job, dated, married my husband and was ready to have children. For many women it does not happen in that order. 

Ever since I became transparent about our difficulty expanding our family and our journey from faith to fertility, I have met hundreds of women who are silently suffering and pained at the thought of all it would take to conceive or knowing they may never be able to conceive.  

Gospel Recording Artist, Donnie McClurkin, wrote a song entitled, Stand. The lyrics simply say:

What do you do when you've done all you can

And it seems like it's never enough?

And what do you say

When your friends turn away

And you all alone, alone?

Tell me, what do you give when you've given your all

And it seems like you can't make it through?

Well, you just stand when there's nothing left to do

You just stand, watch the Lord see you through

Yes, after you've done all you can,

You just stand

For many women facing infertility issues Standing is one of the most difficult things to do. Standing when Doctors give you 5%  or less chances of ever conceiving  a child. Standing when you have had failed fertility treatments and you are still asked "What are you waiting on?" Standing when your health insurance plans do not cover treatments nor meds is not an easy feat. 

So I decided that when God blessed my womb to bear a child I would take a STAND for the many women who are silently struggling. I never knew that starting this blog would impact the lives of so many women. I'm blessed to be a vessel that God chose for this time.  This weekend I had the opportunity to sit in a room filled with women who shared in blessing my future daughter with love and wisdom. One of her "aunties" hugged me and said, "Thank you for your story and thank you on behalf of someone who didn't get to complete the full journey to motherhood." Today I am honored that I have a voice for the "eternal aunties" who love like moms, nurturing their village with love, support and wisdom.

For many years I was on a "STOPASKING" campaign so that people would stop asking women hard questions as it relates to fertility. You know "What are you waiting for to have children?" "Something must be wrong, have you tried meds?" However after going through three rounds of failed fertility treatments and finally conceiving naturally,  I am now on a campaign to STAND for others and #STARTASKING.

#StartAsking

• Employers for insurance coverage. 
• My lawmakers and legislators to support issues important to the infertility community. 
• My Friends and family to support you.
• The media to cover infertility and the real challenges we all face. 
• My network to make a donation to the cause. 
• My  partner to get involved.
• Those who have resolved their infertility to stay involved. 
• OB/GYN or healthcare provider to talk about MY reproductive health. 
• For affordable care for treatment of a disease. (PCOS, endometriosis, Ovarian Failure, etc)
• Legal access to all family building options nationwide.
• About men’s reproductive health

As we acknowledge National Infertility Awareness Week, I encourage you to ask the right questions and become more sensitive to the needs of those who may have difficulty expanding their families. 

Resources:

Resolve: http://www.resolve.org/

National Infertility Awareness Week: http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/home-page.html

25 Things To (And Not to) Say to Someone living with Infertility:  http://www.resolve.org/national-infertility-awareness-week/25-things-to-say-and-not-to-say.html

We've Got to Get Out of Here

I refused to let my world crash all around me. Today was a big day for my husband and our friends. This was the day my husband would stand and deliver his annual conference report, our good friend and brother was being ordained an Itinerant Elder, a great friend of the family was doing a health presentation and by the way, we weren't pregnant.

After seeing the results, we prayed and I reminded hubby that we needed to be strong. We have to get through the day. We can't just stay here and cry. We can't go to conference looking defeated. As I was encouraging him I was encouraging myself and trying so hard not to cry. He cried.

We arrived at the church, smiled and hugged everyone as we had done all week. We were still Rev. and Mrs. Washington. We couldn't stay in bed and wallow in the fact that we were both broken. It was really a "take up your bed and walk" kind of day. I made it through the morning and was ready to have lunch with the other minister's spouses and the pastors. We were almost done with the morning session and was ready for a breather and time to stretch my legs from sitting all morning. The final thing on the agenda for the morning was a Memorial Service and recognizing those who passed away since the last conference year. I was fine as they called the names of those who passed away. I was fine when they called the names of the Emanuel 9. I wasn't okay when they sang the song, "It is Well With my Soul."  I cried. I kept telling God it was well with my soul but it wasn't.

How is it possible for me to mourn something/someone that I never lost? After the memorial I made a beeline to my husband and I told him "we've got to get out of here!" I felt like I was about to about to cry again and I didn't need everyone asking or assuming what could be wrong. I put on the biggest pair of sunglasses I had in my purse and we left for lunch. I cried for a good 15 minutes straight. I cried out to God, "What is it that you want me to do? Did I do something in my younger years that were so horrible that I'm being punished?" I had so much hope in Him with this last procedure and my body aligned and did everything that it was suppose to do. Why is it not working? After crying a few more minutes, my husband and I went to lunch at a local Charleston spot away from everyone else. I really didn't have an appetite but I knew I had to eat something. After lunch I stopped to refresh my makeup and tried to put on a happy face. I'd much rather be home in bed but that wasn't possible because I had to make sure I was there to support my husband as he gave his report.  I don't know how but we've got to get out of here!

After lunch we arrived back at the conference and it was almost time for my husband to give his report. The visiting Bishop who was listening to the reports requested that all couples hug and kiss before the pastor delivered the report. Everyone looking on as we stood at the podium ready to give the report were looking to giggle or ooooh after we kissed had no idea what we had faced earlier that morning. I was anxious to get another hug and love kiss from my husband to lift my spirits and so did he. Best Hug and kiss I received all day. The day went forward and so did the night session. We left for the evening and cuddled all night. I don't think either of us slept. In fact hubby was extremely restless and got up at 3 am to do work on his laptop.

The next day was the final day of conference and I figured if I can just make it through today I would be great. At the close of the conference, my husband held my hand and said to me, "I know this has been tough for you. I know it hurts. I am amazed at your strength. Last night I wasn't working on my laptop, I was booking flights and hotels for the next 6 days. We've got to get out of here! You and I need to be refueled and we can't do it here in Charleston. When we get home from church tomorrow, please pack a few bags we are going on a vacation."

We didn't allow anyone to know where we were going. In fact just for safety measures we allowed our parents to only hear our voices at take off and when we landed.

The final day of annual conference. It's amazing how we don't look like what we were going through.
 This picture on social media got so many likes when we were so broken. #praising 

Command Your Health

After the results of the 2nd failed IUI, I was still hopeful. I remember the day vividly and of how broken we were. Then as clear as day I heard the voice of God telling me, “Command your Health!” (Blank Stare) Command my Health? Did God really think I wasn’t doing that? I’ve been doing that since day one. I’ve always been taught not to question God but I had to on this one. I always speak life into everyone else and decree and declare things so I realized that’s what he was talking about.

I prayed, anointed myself and said, “God this one’s on You!” Let’s go! I began commanding every part of my body to do what it was supposed to do. I commanded every part of my body to align, be healed and work in accordance to God’s plan for me to be fertile, fruitful and to multiply.

I began to research success stories of women conceiving and having babies with my same diagnosis of PCOS. To my surprise there were tons of success stories. It was encouraging to see the thousands of women posting their stories. I immediately decreed and declared that I too would be able to post one day of my success. Many women had undergone IUI’s, taken meds like Metformin (prescribed), Maca Root, (natural medication) Vitex (natural meds) and Letrozole to become pregnant. I had already taken Metformin and Letrozole as part of my fertility treatment plan and nothing happened.

One of the success stories led me to Babycenter.com where they were discussing how they were blessed with babies. I began reading all of the comments and one stuck out to me. All of the other comments were in black but this one was in purple. It simply said, “Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you cannot conceive. Everything including this happens in His time.” I felt so much better reading that. I knew it was confirmation and continued to command my health. As I continued to peruse the success stories I noticed there was an advertisement for another fertility specialist in my city for complimentary second opinions. Am I strong enough to do this? I decided to wait. Breathe, relax and continue seeking God.

Matthew 21:22 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee...."

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee”—Isaiah 26:3. It’s a familiar scripture that was embedded in my head since I was child. It was on a placard in my parents’ bedroom growing up and I read it daily but I had no idea what it really meant until I was an adult.

A few years ago my husband and I attended a party hosted by our dear friend Sarena James with Soul Jots (Souljots.com). It was not the typical party you may think of, but it changed my life. During this gathering she explained the most important question you may ask someone is “How are you?’’ and to wait intently with no distractions or interruptions for a response. This was one of the best things my husband and I learned to help us in our marriage. Three simple words can make such a difference.

"How Are you?" I came home one evening and my husband asked me those three words and at that very instant I wished he had not. Was he really ready for my response? Should I unpack all of my feelings from this heavy suitcase I’ve been carrying? All these things were playing over in my head as he waited intently for me to answer.

“I need help! Baby, this weight is just too much for me to carry. I’ve done everything He has asked me to do. I genuinely celebrate everyone. I love the fact that God is blessing everyone around us with babies because it shows He will answer prayers. I keep trying to focus on scriptures. The book of Jeremiah has been my solace. I need help beyond what you as a pastor or husband can give me. My friends can’t help me. I feel like I’m walking around encouraging everyone else and I can’t even encourage myself like David. I don’t want to sit on anyone’s couch because I’m not crazy I just feel like I’m the ONLY one going through this right now! Baby please I gotta get help!”


SILENCE………. For the first time in all of my years of knowing my husband, who has never been at a loss for words, he had absolutely nothing to say. Instead he just stared at me. I remember the look he gave me was “who is this woman?” I mean he married this woman who bounced back from everything. He married a prayer warrior who could call things down from the heavens and pray for everyone and speak life into things. Who is this woman? After a few deep breaths and a rub on his beard, he rubbed my forehead and kissed it. “Deronda I support whatever decision you make. I agree that you need help beyond what I as a husband can give. I cannot and will not choose for you but you have to make a decision."

The bag and weight I was carrying for so long didn't seem so heavy anymore, all because he asked, 'How are you?' and listened.

A friend of mine who I met through my OB/Gyn informed me of a Fertility Support Group that was formed from a group of amazing women that attend Seacoast Church. I decided that something had to give and I needed to be surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. Not talking about my feelings was taking a toll on me. I prayed and focused my mind on the peace that God was granting me. Breathe..... “Thou wilt keep Deronda in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee because Deronda trusteth in thee!"

Scripture Reference: Isaiah 26:3
Song: Perfect Peace by Earnest Pugh (Click here to listen to song)
Soul Jots Party: Click Here to View clip from Soul Jots Party

There are no TESTIMONIES without TESTS

As I look back on our journey, my husband and I were always so happy with excitement every time we traveled to a specialist. This first appointment was no exception. We knew all would be well so we really didn’t talk about expectations of the visit, we always talked about what we knew would be the result. We smiled knowing one day we would be parents.

We arrived to our appointment and spoke with the doctor about our medical history as she reviewed my medical records and waited on the results of my husband’s semen analysis. All appeared to be well. My husband’s sperm count was off the charts (literally) so there was definitely no issue with him.  I was at this point simply ready to go home and relax and spend quality time with him. Certainly, one of those millions of sperm could find a way to my eggs and fertilize it! I was okay until she said; “Now it’s time to give you a quick exam Deronda.”  She did an exam and an ultrasound of my reproductive organs revealing that my follicles lined up on my ovaries differently from most females. She described them as a pearl bracelet on my ovaries. Here is where the “classy” lady in me finds humor. I laughed and told her, “Well geesh Doc.. even my ovaries are so classy they wear pearls too!” I laughed thinking it was the funniest thing ever. It was no laughing matter when she diagnosed me with Polycystic ovarian syndrome.  

Polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS, is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the sex hormones estrogen and progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries). PCOS can cause problems with women’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women of childbearing age suffers from PCOS. The condition currently affects up to 5 million women in the United States.----- Source: (http://www.healthline.com/health/polycystic-ovary-disease)

I had never heard the diagnosis and frankly I never wanted to hear it again if it meant slowing down the blessing God had for us. The specialist reassured us that though it wouldn’t stop us from conceiving, it would definitely make it difficult because the follicles would have difficulty maturing and we had only a 5% chance of conceiving on our own. She recommended a more aggressive approach of fertility treatments and laid out our options for either an IUI or IVF and the cost associated with each. I honestly think at this point I no longer could hear anything coming out of her mouth and I was looking for the nearest exit. I was calculating how many steps it would take me to get to the door to my left or if that wouldn’t work maybe I could just throw myself against the window to my right and she would understand how I was feeling at this very moment. Though my husband was nodding with understanding, I was nodding and pretending. She wrapped up her conversation, took paperwork, shook hands and left. When we got outside, we embraced and I honestly felt a little better because we had options. More importantly, I realize that I couldn't not have been able to get through today without this wonderful, devoted husband. We didn’t make a decision right away. We went home, prayed and heard from God and He gave us our answer. In my mind, I smiled and said God, “I trust You and I know you will not allow me to be tested beyond that which I have the ability to bear.”