Just the Two of Us

We were so happy to be away from everything and everyone. Phones were still on airplane mode and we enjoyed sleeping in.  One morning as my husband was still asleep, I escaped to the balcony of our hotel room to have a little talk with Jesus. It was early in the morning and the sun had not even shown it's face. I took note of the ladies doing yoga and longed to be practicing on the beach with them.

I told God I know that all of what I went through the last few years was building my testimony to help others but I was just so tired and weak. Doctor after doctor, tests after tests, a 5% chance of ever conceiving despite the PCOS misdiagnosis, tear after tear..... I'm tired.

As the sun rose, He spoke to me and said, "My child, I see your tears, I know how you feel just trust me. The doctors gave you a 5% chance of ever conceiving but my GRACE is sufficient. I can do above what the doctors have done. Your tests are building your testimony for you to help others. I'm not punishing you! I love you!"  I love Him too. There is a reason for everything and I guess this journey was not solely about my husband and I. In fact, it was so much bigger than the two of us. I got up, showered, watched the news and began planning a day for my husband. He definitely deserved it just as much as I did.

The Sunrise 

Yoga on the beach

My husband and I enjoyed a wonderful vacation. We shopped, slept, ate, relaxed, and REALLY enjoyed the alone time with each other. I fell in love with him all over again. We promised we would come back and visit our secret spot and enjoy the time that we shared with each other. More importantly we will always remember that this is the place where we were able to quietly commune with God. We fell in love all over again... Just the two of us!

Pictures from our Vacation:

             

Command Your Health

After the results of the 2nd failed IUI, I was still hopeful. I remember the day vividly and of how broken we were. Then as clear as day I heard the voice of God telling me, “Command your Health!” (Blank Stare) Command my Health? Did God really think I wasn’t doing that? I’ve been doing that since day one. I’ve always been taught not to question God but I had to on this one. I always speak life into everyone else and decree and declare things so I realized that’s what he was talking about.

I prayed, anointed myself and said, “God this one’s on You!” Let’s go! I began commanding every part of my body to do what it was supposed to do. I commanded every part of my body to align, be healed and work in accordance to God’s plan for me to be fertile, fruitful and to multiply.

I began to research success stories of women conceiving and having babies with my same diagnosis of PCOS. To my surprise there were tons of success stories. It was encouraging to see the thousands of women posting their stories. I immediately decreed and declared that I too would be able to post one day of my success. Many women had undergone IUI’s, taken meds like Metformin (prescribed), Maca Root, (natural medication) Vitex (natural meds) and Letrozole to become pregnant. I had already taken Metformin and Letrozole as part of my fertility treatment plan and nothing happened.

One of the success stories led me to Babycenter.com where they were discussing how they were blessed with babies. I began reading all of the comments and one stuck out to me. All of the other comments were in black but this one was in purple. It simply said, “Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you cannot conceive. Everything including this happens in His time.” I felt so much better reading that. I knew it was confirmation and continued to command my health. As I continued to peruse the success stories I noticed there was an advertisement for another fertility specialist in my city for complimentary second opinions. Am I strong enough to do this? I decided to wait. Breathe, relax and continue seeking God.

Matthew 21:22 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee...."

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee”—Isaiah 26:3. It’s a familiar scripture that was embedded in my head since I was child. It was on a placard in my parents’ bedroom growing up and I read it daily but I had no idea what it really meant until I was an adult.

A few years ago my husband and I attended a party hosted by our dear friend Sarena James with Soul Jots (Souljots.com). It was not the typical party you may think of, but it changed my life. During this gathering she explained the most important question you may ask someone is “How are you?’’ and to wait intently with no distractions or interruptions for a response. This was one of the best things my husband and I learned to help us in our marriage. Three simple words can make such a difference.

"How Are you?" I came home one evening and my husband asked me those three words and at that very instant I wished he had not. Was he really ready for my response? Should I unpack all of my feelings from this heavy suitcase I’ve been carrying? All these things were playing over in my head as he waited intently for me to answer.

“I need help! Baby, this weight is just too much for me to carry. I’ve done everything He has asked me to do. I genuinely celebrate everyone. I love the fact that God is blessing everyone around us with babies because it shows He will answer prayers. I keep trying to focus on scriptures. The book of Jeremiah has been my solace. I need help beyond what you as a pastor or husband can give me. My friends can’t help me. I feel like I’m walking around encouraging everyone else and I can’t even encourage myself like David. I don’t want to sit on anyone’s couch because I’m not crazy I just feel like I’m the ONLY one going through this right now! Baby please I gotta get help!”


SILENCE………. For the first time in all of my years of knowing my husband, who has never been at a loss for words, he had absolutely nothing to say. Instead he just stared at me. I remember the look he gave me was “who is this woman?” I mean he married this woman who bounced back from everything. He married a prayer warrior who could call things down from the heavens and pray for everyone and speak life into things. Who is this woman? After a few deep breaths and a rub on his beard, he rubbed my forehead and kissed it. “Deronda I support whatever decision you make. I agree that you need help beyond what I as a husband can give. I cannot and will not choose for you but you have to make a decision."

The bag and weight I was carrying for so long didn't seem so heavy anymore, all because he asked, 'How are you?' and listened.

A friend of mine who I met through my OB/Gyn informed me of a Fertility Support Group that was formed from a group of amazing women that attend Seacoast Church. I decided that something had to give and I needed to be surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. Not talking about my feelings was taking a toll on me. I prayed and focused my mind on the peace that God was granting me. Breathe..... “Thou wilt keep Deronda in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee because Deronda trusteth in thee!"

Scripture Reference: Isaiah 26:3
Song: Perfect Peace by Earnest Pugh (Click here to listen to song)
Soul Jots Party: Click Here to View clip from Soul Jots Party