It's Already Done in the Spirit

We came back from our vacation rejuvenated and ready to take on the world. We were also excited to get back and join our friends for a double date night to see War Room and have dinner.

This special couple has been by our side since our courtship and ultimately our marriage. If this relationship couldn't get any better they too poured into our lives because they also had fertility issues from difficulty trying to conceive to miscarriages. She wrote a book that discussed her journey that helped me and others who were facing trouble in expanding their family. I often sought them for advice and they always listened with an intent ear.

The movie, War Room, changed our lives. I believe I cried several times during the movie. I cried the first time realizing that Clara in the movie resembled my deceased sweet grandmother and I also cried knowing that God had given us our answer. We finished the movie with our dear friends and went to dinner to discuss the movie and also for us to talk about how we were doing. It good for us to talk and for someone to listen. My husband who is normally a private person when it comes to our personal lives began to speak. With every word, he became a little more choked up and tears began to swell in his eyes.  I could tell he was trying to hold back his tears so he could calmly release the words that have been on his heart for awhile and he did. He poured out to our dear friends his true feelings about our journey to expanding our family.  Some of the words I heard were old while some were new thoughts and feelings.

Our friends listened intently and began to pour into us. They poured into us spiritual words of wisdom because they remembered being down that road before. One piece of advice I remember so vividly was to speak the name of our child and have conversations with your child. This seemed easy because we had already decided on a name for a Baby Boy. They said to believe in faith that what is being done in the spirit will begin working in the natural. We couldn't wait to get home so that we could finish our existing prayer room to include some of the things we picked up from the movies.

A week later I honestly felt like God was doing something miraculous. It was a crisp fall morning and my husband had already left for the work day. I decided to a little fall cleaning of our Prayer/Future Baby's room and to use a few hours to pray and speak to our future child. I remember cleaning the room and talking to Baby Washington. I remember saying, "Baby ________! When ever you ready to come down from heaven you have a mom and dad that are ready to receive you! You have a room waiting on you! You have a host of family and friends waiting to receive you with open arms!" I even told our dog Jaxson that he was going to be a Big Puppy Brother. lol. In speaking to our baby who was still in heaven, I told the baby that he/she was probably playing in heaven with 2 other babies and when they come from heaven they will be friends on Earth. I prayed this because there were two young ladies in my immediate circle waiting on babies from heaven. If I was preparing for my blessing to come down, It would be great to pray for theirs as well. I knew it was already done in the spirit. I was just waiting in the natural. I remember saying this simple prayer:

"God you didn't intend for me to be barren. Your plan was not for my husband to be childless. Your promised us children. God I understand that these three years were already planned for me. You know what you want my testimony to me. You know what your will for my life is. God I know you will bless me! When you do allow my focus to be on dedicating this baby back to you for your service. Allow this child to be raised in the Christian home you blessed us with. Allow this pregnancy to be amazing. I don't want to complain about anything. I speak against morning sickness, food aversions, or anything that will not allow me to enjoy this pregnancy!  God fill my womb with love, peace and joy so this baby will know he/she is loved before she is borned into this world! Amen.

From that day forward I spoke my child's name into the atmosphere!
It's Already Done In the Spirit!!!


Listen to Song: It's Already Done in the Spirit
Resources: Purpose Conceived Will you Deliver?

Our Prayer Wall in our Future Baby's Room.

Just the Two of Us

We were so happy to be away from everything and everyone. Phones were still on airplane mode and we enjoyed sleeping in.  One morning as my husband was still asleep, I escaped to the balcony of our hotel room to have a little talk with Jesus. It was early in the morning and the sun had not even shown it's face. I took note of the ladies doing yoga and longed to be practicing on the beach with them.

I told God I know that all of what I went through the last few years was building my testimony to help others but I was just so tired and weak. Doctor after doctor, tests after tests, a 5% chance of ever conceiving despite the PCOS misdiagnosis, tear after tear..... I'm tired.

As the sun rose, He spoke to me and said, "My child, I see your tears, I know how you feel just trust me. The doctors gave you a 5% chance of ever conceiving but my GRACE is sufficient. I can do above what the doctors have done. Your tests are building your testimony for you to help others. I'm not punishing you! I love you!"  I love Him too. There is a reason for everything and I guess this journey was not solely about my husband and I. In fact, it was so much bigger than the two of us. I got up, showered, watched the news and began planning a day for my husband. He definitely deserved it just as much as I did.

The Sunrise 

Yoga on the beach

My husband and I enjoyed a wonderful vacation. We shopped, slept, ate, relaxed, and REALLY enjoyed the alone time with each other. I fell in love with him all over again. We promised we would come back and visit our secret spot and enjoy the time that we shared with each other. More importantly we will always remember that this is the place where we were able to quietly commune with God. We fell in love all over again... Just the two of us!

Pictures from our Vacation:

             

We've Got to Get Out of Here

I refused to let my world crash all around me. Today was a big day for my husband and our friends. This was the day my husband would stand and deliver his annual conference report, our good friend and brother was being ordained an Itinerant Elder, a great friend of the family was doing a health presentation and by the way, we weren't pregnant.

After seeing the results, we prayed and I reminded hubby that we needed to be strong. We have to get through the day. We can't just stay here and cry. We can't go to conference looking defeated. As I was encouraging him I was encouraging myself and trying so hard not to cry. He cried.

We arrived at the church, smiled and hugged everyone as we had done all week. We were still Rev. and Mrs. Washington. We couldn't stay in bed and wallow in the fact that we were both broken. It was really a "take up your bed and walk" kind of day. I made it through the morning and was ready to have lunch with the other minister's spouses and the pastors. We were almost done with the morning session and was ready for a breather and time to stretch my legs from sitting all morning. The final thing on the agenda for the morning was a Memorial Service and recognizing those who passed away since the last conference year. I was fine as they called the names of those who passed away. I was fine when they called the names of the Emanuel 9. I wasn't okay when they sang the song, "It is Well With my Soul."  I cried. I kept telling God it was well with my soul but it wasn't.

How is it possible for me to mourn something/someone that I never lost? After the memorial I made a beeline to my husband and I told him "we've got to get out of here!" I felt like I was about to about to cry again and I didn't need everyone asking or assuming what could be wrong. I put on the biggest pair of sunglasses I had in my purse and we left for lunch. I cried for a good 15 minutes straight. I cried out to God, "What is it that you want me to do? Did I do something in my younger years that were so horrible that I'm being punished?" I had so much hope in Him with this last procedure and my body aligned and did everything that it was suppose to do. Why is it not working? After crying a few more minutes, my husband and I went to lunch at a local Charleston spot away from everyone else. I really didn't have an appetite but I knew I had to eat something. After lunch I stopped to refresh my makeup and tried to put on a happy face. I'd much rather be home in bed but that wasn't possible because I had to make sure I was there to support my husband as he gave his report.  I don't know how but we've got to get out of here!

After lunch we arrived back at the conference and it was almost time for my husband to give his report. The visiting Bishop who was listening to the reports requested that all couples hug and kiss before the pastor delivered the report. Everyone looking on as we stood at the podium ready to give the report were looking to giggle or ooooh after we kissed had no idea what we had faced earlier that morning. I was anxious to get another hug and love kiss from my husband to lift my spirits and so did he. Best Hug and kiss I received all day. The day went forward and so did the night session. We left for the evening and cuddled all night. I don't think either of us slept. In fact hubby was extremely restless and got up at 3 am to do work on his laptop.

The next day was the final day of conference and I figured if I can just make it through today I would be great. At the close of the conference, my husband held my hand and said to me, "I know this has been tough for you. I know it hurts. I am amazed at your strength. Last night I wasn't working on my laptop, I was booking flights and hotels for the next 6 days. We've got to get out of here! You and I need to be refueled and we can't do it here in Charleston. When we get home from church tomorrow, please pack a few bags we are going on a vacation."

We didn't allow anyone to know where we were going. In fact just for safety measures we allowed our parents to only hear our voices at take off and when we landed.

The final day of annual conference. It's amazing how we don't look like what we were going through.
 This picture on social media got so many likes when we were so broken. #praising 

Who's Report Will You Believe?

As a result of "Commanding my Health" I realized that I needed to also not put all of my faith in one doctor. A good friend once told me that doctors, lawyers, and other professionals of the sort are "PRACTICING" they don't know it all. She also reminded me I needed to be comfortable with the person that I am entrusting this process to. It was time for a second opinion.

I had all of my medical records sent to the new Reproductive Endocrinologist and was all set for my appointment.  The appointment was set for June 2015, 2 months after the results of the 2nd failed IUI.

When I pulled in the parking lot of the medical office something felt different. Butterflies were flying all around my car and I noticed an iron statue of an egret or a stork. The office was warm and inviting and the staff was amazing. Maybe they felt in their spirits what I had gone through the last 2 1/2 years and were extremely sympathetic in knowing I was coming for a second opinion.  I waited for a few moments and I was called back to meet with the doctor.

"So tell me about yourself? Your husband? Tell me about why you are here?"  This doctor was wasting no time. I was glad he cared enough to get to know me before he reported his findings from the stack of at least 6 charts on his desk that I knew were mine. I told him a little about myself, occupation, about my husband and him pastoring. Immediately when he found out my husband was an AME pastor he offered his condolences for the Emanuel 9 tragedy that happened exactly 2 weeks prior to my visit. After a few minutes of telling why I was here, he reared back in his chair and said let's get started. Are you ready?  (I'm sure it's a rhetorical question so there was really no need for an answer but I answered anyway.) "Yes Doctor, I'm ready!"

He looked at me and looked at my chart and asked 2 questions that changed my life. "Who told you that you had PCOS? What tests did they do?"  He didn't allow me a chance to answer and instead began going over my lab numbers from the last few years and told me that I may have been misdiagnosed. Apparently, you can't diagnosis a patient with PCOS simply by the ultrasound, the lab results must also confirm the diagnosis. I in fact had been diagnosed on European standards. This doctor looked me in my eyes and said, "I know you are a believer and just like the Emanuel 9 tragedy, you have to not only be Charleston Strong but Deronda Strong. You have to be strong knowing that even if none of the fertility treatments ever work you know that nothing is 'wrong' with you except what we call unexplained infertility" He continued to pour into me and I wept. Happy tears flowed. I didn't feel empty inside. I didn't feel barren. I didn't feel sterile or any other adjective used to describe the word infertile because I knew that was no longer me. He then did an ultrasound of my reproductive organs. When I looked at the screen I was SHOCKED!! I remember what the ultrasounds looked like before. This ultrasound showed one of my ovaries with a pearl like bracelet and the other ovary looked totally different than before an was NORMAL! I couldn't wait to get out of the office so I could scream, shout and call my husband. Right then in there I let out a cry and a "Thank you God!" and the nurse just nodded and smiled as the doctor patted my shoulders and left the room.  As I left the office a yellow butterfly landed on my shoulder and was circling around my hair. I called hubby and gave him the news and he let out a "Praise the Lord!!!" 

I was praising God all the way home and was elated. I pulled into the driveway of our home and yellow butterflies were flying all around the front of our home and when I looked in the lake behind our home there was a white stork. Praise Break!!!!! I began thanking God for the signs and confirmation.

We decided to try once more with an IUI. My numbers were amazing. My body was doing what it needed to do on its' on and I didn't have to take any more of the fertility meds. Last attempt and were done. Husband was a little uncertain but we prayed and went forth. When we received our calendar of when to test to see if we got a positive/negative result it was the day before the last day of our church's Annual Conference. We were hopeful. This could be great or it could be bad but we still trusted. September 23, 2015 at 5:30 am I took the test. We aren't pregnant. 

Scripture: Isaiah 53:1  “Who would have believed what we now report? Who could have seen the Lord's hand in this?

Command Your Health

After the results of the 2nd failed IUI, I was still hopeful. I remember the day vividly and of how broken we were. Then as clear as day I heard the voice of God telling me, “Command your Health!” (Blank Stare) Command my Health? Did God really think I wasn’t doing that? I’ve been doing that since day one. I’ve always been taught not to question God but I had to on this one. I always speak life into everyone else and decree and declare things so I realized that’s what he was talking about.

I prayed, anointed myself and said, “God this one’s on You!” Let’s go! I began commanding every part of my body to do what it was supposed to do. I commanded every part of my body to align, be healed and work in accordance to God’s plan for me to be fertile, fruitful and to multiply.

I began to research success stories of women conceiving and having babies with my same diagnosis of PCOS. To my surprise there were tons of success stories. It was encouraging to see the thousands of women posting their stories. I immediately decreed and declared that I too would be able to post one day of my success. Many women had undergone IUI’s, taken meds like Metformin (prescribed), Maca Root, (natural medication) Vitex (natural meds) and Letrozole to become pregnant. I had already taken Metformin and Letrozole as part of my fertility treatment plan and nothing happened.

One of the success stories led me to Babycenter.com where they were discussing how they were blessed with babies. I began reading all of the comments and one stuck out to me. All of the other comments were in black but this one was in purple. It simply said, “Don’t allow anyone to tell you that you cannot conceive. Everything including this happens in His time.” I felt so much better reading that. I knew it was confirmation and continued to command my health. As I continued to peruse the success stories I noticed there was an advertisement for another fertility specialist in my city for complimentary second opinions. Am I strong enough to do this? I decided to wait. Breathe, relax and continue seeking God.

Matthew 21:22 “If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."

For where two or three gather in my name

I must say I have an amazing village who have been supportive during this time. Not everyone was or will ever be privy to every part of this journey but it was important for me to have individuals who could relate to me as well as pour into me that which I thought was lost.

My fertility journey sisters from Seacoast and my For the Love of Mom Genes founder Aubrey Atkinson were amazing. I first encountered this group of amazing women at my first meeting at Starbucks. (Whew… I honestly thought we would meet in room with no windows sitting in a large circle and I would have to introduce myself as, ‘Hi, my name is Deronda and a doctor has said I will only have a 5% chance of conceiving on my own.’ And the response would be, ‘Hi Deronda!”  This meeting was none of the sort! It was a group of women who welcomed me with open arms, smiles and “loved me Big.” When I told them my story, they listened. They nodded. They felt my heart. Then I heard two words that I had not heard in all of the 2 ½ years I had been facing this issue, “ME TOO!” Finally a group of women from different walks of life, different races, different occupations… but we were all the same. We wanted children more than anything and we had the Faith knowing that God can do it.  I’m forever grateful to these ladies. I have gained so much strength from these ladies. They taught me to be vocal and to find my strength and to help realize I had no reason to be ashamed of my journey.  During the course of our meetings we discussed our feelings, where we were with fertility treatments, successes, losses, husbands, labs, appointments, etc. These ladies were there to support in happy times with pregnancy announcements and they were there to give hugs, calls and flowers during our most difficult times. (SORRY THAT’S ALL YOU CAN KNOW.. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE GROUP STAYS IN THE GROUP)

A few ladies from the Fertility Support Group enjoying lunch XOXO

Connect with For the love of Mom Genes

Facebook: For the Love of Mom Genes

Instagram: For the Love of Mom Genes on Instagram

My SeatMate

Along this journey I also have a sweet friend who encourages me through the process and she is my “seatmate” because she was with me through the journey. My prayer warrior and confidante that never missed a beat and even promised me that one day I would see what a ‘miracle looks like.’ Sometimes it’s hard encouraging others when you are going through but it was so easy to do this with someone who was pouring the Word back into you. I often times wish my journey with my ‘seatmate’ was a first class smooth ride where we experienced no turbulence or rough patches. It was filled with many tears and heartaches. I remember discussing our journey over ice cream and then walking around in Babies R Us saying one day we would be walking around starting our registry. Forever Grateful! Our journeys are now on a different course. Though our journey is not allowing us to sit next to each other on the same first class flight, we are now passengers on different planes flying in the same direction towards God’s promises.

Prayer Warriors

There have been so many women that God has placed in my life that know how to send up a prayer and see results. These weren't just any prayer warriors these were prayer warriors who were on "The Other Side of the Blessing!" These were they who prayed because they had been there and done that and know first hand the pain I felt. They didn't allow me to have a pity party but they prayed for me and made sure I was still praying and not allowing the Devil to have victory. They reassured me at my lowest point that God can and WILL answer prayers. 

I remember calling one of them on my way to work feeling low and she began praying immediately. She prayed the prayers that were on my heart but I thought God could no longer hear. She boldly told me to fix any areas of my life that were spiritually weak whether it be my prayer life, my marriage, friendships etc. that would block any blessing God was ready to bestow upon me.

There was another warrior who asked me to find someone in the Bible who was feeling like I was and to read how they were delivered and set free. She prayed but also reminded me 'this too shall pass.'

My special prayer warrior at work was also amazing. She has walked and prayed beside me since the day I got the first failed treatment result. She never judged me but she knew that day something wasn't right. I never knew her story until I told her mine and I gained so much strength from pint sized woman of God who had an experienced a miscarriage and 2 high risk pregnancies. What's so amazing is that she still was able to check on me during the hustle and bustle of her day and reminded me DAILY that she was praying for me. 

As I reflect on my relationships with these women it reminds of a scripture found in 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it."

Reading that Scripture reminds me that I am not alone. That which I am experiencing, someone has already faced and God didn't let them down and He won't let me now.

Because of them I am.... In every conversation, prayer, or meeting He was there as well!

Scripture: Matthew 18:20

Resources: 

Purpose Conceived Will you Deliver?

For the Love of Mom Genes

Valencya the Visionary: (link coming soon)

Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee...."

“Thou wilt keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee: because he trusteth in thee”—Isaiah 26:3. It’s a familiar scripture that was embedded in my head since I was child. It was on a placard in my parents’ bedroom growing up and I read it daily but I had no idea what it really meant until I was an adult.

A few years ago my husband and I attended a party hosted by our dear friend Sarena James with Soul Jots (Souljots.com). It was not the typical party you may think of, but it changed my life. During this gathering she explained the most important question you may ask someone is “How are you?’’ and to wait intently with no distractions or interruptions for a response. This was one of the best things my husband and I learned to help us in our marriage. Three simple words can make such a difference.

"How Are you?" I came home one evening and my husband asked me those three words and at that very instant I wished he had not. Was he really ready for my response? Should I unpack all of my feelings from this heavy suitcase I’ve been carrying? All these things were playing over in my head as he waited intently for me to answer.

“I need help! Baby, this weight is just too much for me to carry. I’ve done everything He has asked me to do. I genuinely celebrate everyone. I love the fact that God is blessing everyone around us with babies because it shows He will answer prayers. I keep trying to focus on scriptures. The book of Jeremiah has been my solace. I need help beyond what you as a pastor or husband can give me. My friends can’t help me. I feel like I’m walking around encouraging everyone else and I can’t even encourage myself like David. I don’t want to sit on anyone’s couch because I’m not crazy I just feel like I’m the ONLY one going through this right now! Baby please I gotta get help!”


SILENCE………. For the first time in all of my years of knowing my husband, who has never been at a loss for words, he had absolutely nothing to say. Instead he just stared at me. I remember the look he gave me was “who is this woman?” I mean he married this woman who bounced back from everything. He married a prayer warrior who could call things down from the heavens and pray for everyone and speak life into things. Who is this woman? After a few deep breaths and a rub on his beard, he rubbed my forehead and kissed it. “Deronda I support whatever decision you make. I agree that you need help beyond what I as a husband can give. I cannot and will not choose for you but you have to make a decision."

The bag and weight I was carrying for so long didn't seem so heavy anymore, all because he asked, 'How are you?' and listened.

A friend of mine who I met through my OB/Gyn informed me of a Fertility Support Group that was formed from a group of amazing women that attend Seacoast Church. I decided that something had to give and I needed to be surrounded by people who understood what I was going through. Not talking about my feelings was taking a toll on me. I prayed and focused my mind on the peace that God was granting me. Breathe..... “Thou wilt keep Deronda in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on thee because Deronda trusteth in thee!"

Scripture Reference: Isaiah 26:3
Song: Perfect Peace by Earnest Pugh (Click here to listen to song)
Soul Jots Party: Click Here to View clip from Soul Jots Party

My Tears Are Watering the Ground for My Blessings

I won’t say the last few months were easy after getting the results from our first failed IUI. It actually sucked! Though our lives were back to ‘normal’ I began putting a lot of things into perspective. I realized through this first process, God was still sustaining me. He never left us nor failed us. My husband was amazing. Our relationship got stronger and our prayer life got even better. During this time I began researching IUIs, success rates and began realizing that most IUIs aren't successful the first round and it took 2-3 IUIs before it worked.  This gave me hope and we decided that we try again March of 2015. This baby would be conceived in love after our 3^rd wedding anniversary and if we were right on our calculations would be born after Christmas or be a New Year’s Baby.

We did like we had done before with first IUI except we prayed and believed that this time it would work. We ordered meds, we were ready!! Let’s go! March 26 was the day! We smiled and held hands again and believed God.

BRIEF PAUSE: I’m sure some of you are reading this and wondering why we are doing a second IUI if the first didn’t work. One thing during the ENTIRE process that my husband and I constantly did was to seek God in everything we did and heard from Him before we made a decision. Some “saints” and “ain’ts” will probably say “Fertility treatments, why didn’t they just wait on God?!?!” Fertility treatments in our eyes are no different from dialysis, cancer treatments, kidney transplants or any other medical treatments one receives for whatever will make their lives better. We realize more and more our journey to fertility was building our testimony. Our testimony was created to help others and build our faith!

Our second IUI felt different. We were still hopeful but I felt different. The morning of our TWW was April 17. I remember like it was yesterday. It was cold and rainy and gloomy. Traffic getting to the fertility center was backed up and in the mist of the rain I accidentally slid and bumped the back of the car in front of me. Luckily, neither of us had any damage and the driver saw my sorority tag on the front of my car and gave me a hug because his mom was also a member of the sorority.

I arrived to the center, labs were drawn, and I had the urge to cry. So I did. I left the center in tears and cried all the way home. I was praying my husband had left for work, however I knew better. When I opened the garage… He was still there. I remember crying out “Lord, Help Me!” I couldn’t shake this feeling. I felt down. I didn’t believe it worked. In fact I just knew that my menstrual cycle was soon to arrive. My husband has more faith than anyone I know and he encouraged me to pray and wait and hear from the doctors.  So we did… and we got the same news we got on November 17. No you aren’t pregnant. I took a walk in the rain with my dog and cried. This thing was breaking me down. Those tears wouldn’t stop! I arrived back home to my husband who by this time was on his knees praying and crying. I just remember him telling me he had to go for a drive and he had to leave because we both couldn’t be weak. He was so apologetic. I don’t think I saw him cry this much since his father passed away years before.   Lord, these tears have to be good for something. Little did we know these tears, these liquid prayers, were watering the seeds of blessings that were to come.

How Long will this Feeling Last?

“God, my God!! What is it that you want me to learn? Help me to learn from it, accept it and console me!” The drive home from work was the longest 15 minutes ever. I honestly don’t remember the drive. I just vaguely remember crawling into bed and wishing the pain and the hurt in my heart would be relieved. Even my sweet fur baby, Jaxson knew something wasn’t quite right.

Shortly after I arrived home, my husband came home as well. I remember him calling my name to see where I was in our home but I was too weak to respond and I felt like if I parted my lips to say anything it would result in me crying again. He told me he cancelled all of his meetings at church because his first ministry will always be his family. I cried even more because my husband keeps a very organized schedule and never cancels any meetings… Until now.

It’s a blessing to be married to someone who knows you and you don’t have to spend countless words trying to explain how you feel. Hubby crawled into bed with me and simply allowed me to cry, vent, ask countless questions he couldn’t give the answer to and then dried every tear that fell on my cheeks and watched me fall asleep. I woke up from a nap and the only thing I could ask my husband were, “How long will this feeling last? Is this depression? If so, I don’t like this feeling and I can’t stay like this!” I could tell those questions broke his heart but he reassured me that I would definitely not always feel like this. He was right.

Two days later I was able to function at a capacity where I was able to get things done and begin to prepare for the Thanksgiving Holiday. Life has to go on right? People needed me. They needed my husband to be their pastor. Someone needed us for something regardless of how low we were.

We got through Thanksgiving and hosting our families at our home. I’m so thankful no one asked about children and how long we were going to wait.

Christmas came and went. New Year’s Day was celebrated with family and friends. How long will this feeling last?


As I look back, sometimes I think we both were walking on eggshells unsure whether or not to bring up the fact that we had a failed IUI and still not conceiving no matter how much we were enjoying each other intimately. For a few months we simply asked each other how each other’s day was and tried to remain prayerful and hopeful because we knew it would one day happen for us.

“How long will this feeling last?” I never got the answer………………

Fired Up and Ready to Go!

After much prayer, my husband and I decided we would give the IUI a try. After more tests and blood tests and learning new acronyms like FSH, LH, HSG and AMH, I felt like I was a walking fertility dictionary. I had just mastered the use of text talk and now this!

For someone who had no prior knowledge of fertility issues this was no easy feat.  In addition to learning of my blood levels I had to familiarize myself with fertility meds, dosage and the dreaded injections I would take 14 days leading up to my first Intrauterine Insemination (IUI).

After receiving the meds in the mail, I was able to start the first round of meds. I remember calling my husband to pray over the meds and to be there for my first injection. Originally, I was going to allow my husband to give me the injections but at the very last minute (literally) I decided that it would be best that I inflict pain upon myself because I didn’t want to dislike my husband just in case something went wrong or it hurt.

The first injections went well. I injected myself nightly with follitism (Gonal-F). After being monitored for almost 2 weeks and watching the meds increase the size of my follicles, we were ready to have our first IUI. Exciting hunh?

October 31, 2014 hubby and I were so excited of the possibility of becoming parents. It was a little over 2 years from the time that we had decided we were ready to be parents so the excitement was building. I remember realizing what holiday it was so I began affectionately calling our unborn child, “our BOO baby!” Corny I know but hey, I make a big deal out of everything and this was no exception. 

The staff at the fertility center were so excited when we arrived. I got checked in and my arm was banned with my name and the date. Reality hit! Things are getting real!!!  Hubby went and gave his sperm collection and his supply was Excellent! Now it was time for me to have the procedure. Ten minutes and they were done! We waited an additional 10-15 minutes in the room where we prayed and thanked God for the blessing to come. Now the dreaded two week wait (TWW.)

Both of us were so busy that we didn’t focus on hearing the results we would get on November 17. I will say nothing prepares for you a negative or positive answer.

November 17 came quicker than we thought. It was the morning we were to get our results of the IUI. In faith, I had an onesie made to give to my husband if the results were in our favor. I had my labs drawn so they could check my HCG levels and would have the results in a few hours. I honestly thought I could give a urine sample and know with in a few minutes. NOT! Blood samples were more conclusive and it took a few hours.

I remember getting the call from the doctor and her telling me that we weren’t pregnant. As I look back on it, I remember her saying, "It doesn't mean you won't ever be pregnant, just not right now." How was I going to tell my husband who was so excited and in prayer that it didn’t work? Why weren’t we pregnant? I remember calling my husband and he had this jovial sound in his voice that made it harder for me to tell him that we weren’t pregnant. I can’t remember how the conversation went I just remember me asking him to be strong for me because I felt like I was crumbling and falling apart. I told him weren’t pregnant and I was leaving work early for the day. I’m sure he responded with some sweet apologetic words but everything sounded like the teacher on Charlie Brown.  This was definitely the worst feeling ever. 

Fertility Meds Arrived

Let's get the procedure done!

Headed to lunch after our first IUI

There are no TESTIMONIES without TESTS

As I look back on our journey, my husband and I were always so happy with excitement every time we traveled to a specialist. This first appointment was no exception. We knew all would be well so we really didn’t talk about expectations of the visit, we always talked about what we knew would be the result. We smiled knowing one day we would be parents.

We arrived to our appointment and spoke with the doctor about our medical history as she reviewed my medical records and waited on the results of my husband’s semen analysis. All appeared to be well. My husband’s sperm count was off the charts (literally) so there was definitely no issue with him.  I was at this point simply ready to go home and relax and spend quality time with him. Certainly, one of those millions of sperm could find a way to my eggs and fertilize it! I was okay until she said; “Now it’s time to give you a quick exam Deronda.”  She did an exam and an ultrasound of my reproductive organs revealing that my follicles lined up on my ovaries differently from most females. She described them as a pearl bracelet on my ovaries. Here is where the “classy” lady in me finds humor. I laughed and told her, “Well geesh Doc.. even my ovaries are so classy they wear pearls too!” I laughed thinking it was the funniest thing ever. It was no laughing matter when she diagnosed me with Polycystic ovarian syndrome.  

Polycystic ovarian syndrome or PCOS, is a condition in which a woman’s levels of the sex hormones estrogen and progesterone are out of balance. This leads to the growth of ovarian cysts (benign masses on the ovaries). PCOS can cause problems with women’s menstrual cycle, fertility, cardiac function, and appearance. According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, between 1 in 10 and 1 in 20 women of childbearing age suffers from PCOS. The condition currently affects up to 5 million women in the United States.----- Source: (http://www.healthline.com/health/polycystic-ovary-disease)

I had never heard the diagnosis and frankly I never wanted to hear it again if it meant slowing down the blessing God had for us. The specialist reassured us that though it wouldn’t stop us from conceiving, it would definitely make it difficult because the follicles would have difficulty maturing and we had only a 5% chance of conceiving on our own. She recommended a more aggressive approach of fertility treatments and laid out our options for either an IUI or IVF and the cost associated with each. I honestly think at this point I no longer could hear anything coming out of her mouth and I was looking for the nearest exit. I was calculating how many steps it would take me to get to the door to my left or if that wouldn’t work maybe I could just throw myself against the window to my right and she would understand how I was feeling at this very moment. Though my husband was nodding with understanding, I was nodding and pretending. She wrapped up her conversation, took paperwork, shook hands and left. When we got outside, we embraced and I honestly felt a little better because we had options. More importantly, I realize that I couldn't not have been able to get through today without this wonderful, devoted husband. We didn’t make a decision right away. We went home, prayed and heard from God and He gave us our answer. In my mind, I smiled and said God, “I trust You and I know you will not allow me to be tested beyond that which I have the ability to bear.”